Self-care: It’s not selfish, and it’s probably not what you think! with guest Dr. Tamara Beckford

About this Episode

If you’ve ever felt stressed (like, you know, every other mom who’s lived through the past two years), and if you’ve ever tried to do something about it, it’s likely that someone, somewhere along the way, has asked you this question: “What do you do for self-care?” We know, we know, that can cause quite a visceral reaction! In fact, it does just that for our very own Dr. Amy. But—here’s the good news! According to our latest podcast guest, Dr. Tamara Beckford, self-care is probably not what you think!

Join Dr. Amy Moore and Sandy Zamalis as they chat with Dr. Beckford about her own self-care journey, where to start if you’re ready to embark on your own journey, and how very important our own self-care is to our children’s understanding of what it means to be a parent. Because, statistically speaking, many of them will eventually parent their own kids! We really enjoyed this conversation, and left with some personal, real-world ideas for how to reframe self-care as a reasonable practice—that may or may not involve journaling OR the nail salon.

About Dr. Tamara Beckford

Dr. Tamara Beckford is a board-certified emergency physician, wife, and mom. She is the CEO of UR Caring Docs, where she helps help companies create amazing cultures and boost employee retention through self-care workshops. She also hosts the Dr. Tamara Beckford Show, where she has interviewed over 150 physicians about self-care, wellness, and the fantastic things they are doing inside and outside clinical medicine. Dr. Beckford has been a guest on dozens of podcasts and has discussed the importance of selfcare on many platforms, including Power to Fly, Scale Your Business Summit, and Blaze Virtual Summit. She is also a Success Mentor at the EntreMD Business School (EBS), the largest school for physician entrepreneurs in the United States.

Connect with Dr. Beckford

Website: https://www.urcaringdocs.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/urcaringdocs
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/urcaringdocs
Twitter: https://twitter.com/URcaringdocs

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drtamarabeckford

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@urcaringdocs

Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ur-caring-docs/id1553710706

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Read the transcript for this episode:

Dr. Amy Moore: Hi, and welcome to this episode of Brainy Moms, brought to you today by LearningRx Brain Training centers. I’m your host, Dr. Amy Moore, coming to you today from Colorado Springs, Colorado, and I am joined by my co-host, coming to us from Stanton, Virginia, Sandy Zamalis. Sandy and I are so excited to welcome our guests today, Dr. Tamara Beckford. Dr. Beckford is a wife, Mom, board certified emergency physician and CEO of URCaring Docs and URCaring Society, where she helps busy, professional women put their wellness first without guilt. Dr. Beckford has spoken about the importance of self-care on many platforms and is the host of the Dr. Tamara Beckford show, where she has interviewed over 150 doctors about self-care and wellness. She is here today to talk to us about why self-care is not selfish.

Sandy Zamalis: Welcome, Dr. Beckford.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, ladies. I’m so excited to be on your show today. 

Sandy Zamalis: Self-Care is a topic that is so important for busy moms, but it can be a little bit controversial, especially when you individualize what self-care looks like for you. But before we dig in, give our listeners a little bit about your background and how you ended up doing what you do.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Absolutely. So as you lovely ladies mention, I’m Dr. Tamara Beckford and I’m a board certified emergency physician. I am working out of Houston, Texas. So, within the last, uh, I’d say practicing now for almost like 14 years, um, there’s this little thing that occurred over the last two and a half years is called a pandemic. It’s just this minor interruption that occurred in our lives, if you remember, just this minor thing. [laughs] But during that time, I recognized that I was really living an autopilot during those first 10 or so years of, at that point working as an ER doc, you know, career mom, wife as a mom at that time during the latter half. My kids were very, very young. During the pandemic when it started, my son, I had a one-and-a-half-year-old and a three year old. Now my stress level was really up to the hill, and I think that it was just normal stress and then, the pandemic came and I had to make that decision. Am I just gonna continue being stressed out and being anxious and worrying consistently because that’s where we were? Or was I gonna try to make a different decision? So I think my body in my mind decided like, “you know what, no, we’re not going this route. We’re already too stressed out.” So, I noticed that I started doing things a little bit different and that as I looked at myself and then I looked at my colleagues, I noticed that we had two different ways of approach in life. Our attitudes at work were different. Our stress levels were different. And I started to wonder, well, why was that? And I realized this because I started to incorporate self-care. So, these are some of the techniques that I incorporated in myself, and as I looked and noticed that, so did others. My medical director, he said, “hey, you know you’re fair enough, a little bit different than your colleagues.” And I’m like, “yeah.” My colleagues were saying, “hey, you know, you’re so Zen. You must be practicing what you preach.” I said, “I absolutely am!” And so that’s when I realized like, wow, the power of self-care. You know, it’s not just something that we do so that we can feel great. It really is a superpower that we need to tap into so that we can continue to do all the wonderful things that we do with all this grace and you know, and feel as best as we can for most of the time, because it’s not possible to feel great all the time. We acknowledge that.

Dr. Amy Moore: Absolutely. All right, so let’s talk about some basics, right? We hear this term self-care all the time. And I know for me, Sometimes it creates this visceral response, right? And someone’s like, “well, what do you do for self-care?” And I’m like, “ugggggh, self-care. Who’s asking me that?” And I’m like, “I get my nails done. That’s all I need.” So, talk to us a little bit about what that term self-care really means.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Absolutely. And I love that you used that example of the visceral nail salon—“no,  I’m not going to the spa.” Oh my gosh. “No. I’m not making 5 million appointments to go get my hair done in the name of self-care,” right? So, self-care really is incorporating all the activities that you used to do for yourself to align your mind, your body, and your spirit, that you might have lost during this time where you’re now riddled with titles. You’re a career woman, you’re a mom, you’re a wife, but who is Amy? You know? What did Amy like to do before she became Dr. Amy? You know, what did Sandy like to do before all of these titles came around? What did Tamara like to do? If we really look at ourselves, we got lost in the sauce. So, what I use when I talk about self-care is really bringing back the essence. That is the time that you use for yourself to make you feel at peace and to bring back that you, when you were younger, when you had all the freedom, no responsibilities. You know, when you were just at your most happiest moment in time, or you were just at peace. That’s what self-care is. It’s not really nails. For some people it is, but for most of us, it’s not.

Dr. Amy Moore: That’s a really broad definition, for sure. I mean, because what brings you peace might not be what brings me peace. What brings you joy might not be what brings me joy. What you miss before you had all these titles might not be what I miss, right? And so that, gosh, I feel like just that simple explanation takes so much pressure off the idea that I need to be doing something for self-care, as opposed to: what do I need to put back in my life that I miss?

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Exactly. And that’s, that’s it. What do I bring back, versus what do I have to do? Because if, for me, that same visceral response that you have? Having to have something every two weeks, “I have to go and get my nails done every two weeks.” Like, that’s not self-care for me. That is stress for me now, being able to say, “okay, I’m gonna take 20 minutes to myself every morning to just do something that I love. You know what? There’s this really great book that I love, and it just brings me peace to just read it really quickly before the rest of the world starts attacking me and asking me for everything…” that’s self-care. You know? So, like you said, bringing back versus taking away. We’re, we’re getting taken from consistently. So, what can we bring back to ourselves?

Sandy Zamalis: So we don’t have to add any new routines or morning journaling? [laughs]

Dr. Tamara Beckford: [laughs] Morning journaling? Well, that’s the beauty of Self-care. I love that you say that. Like, so I could say like, “Sandy, um, have you journaled for your self-care?” Uh, if journaling is bringing you stress, the answer is no. If it’s like podcasting, if we’re listening to a wonderful podcast that just really brings you peace, then that answer is yes. That’s my, that’s what I’m doing for self-care. Like, you know, self-care is an alignment of your mind, your body, and your spirit. It’s not an antagonistic pull of what someone else likes to do. I mean, you test it out, you don’t like it. Guess what? That’s not for you. And that’s it. So, what is supposed to be bringing you peace? So, what brings you peace? What makes you feel more at ease? It could be something that you add to your routine that you’ve never thought about, that you tried and you’re like, “wow, I really like this and I feel great doing it.” But it also could be something that you used to do that you, that you miss doing because you didn’t have the time. And so you’re bringing it back and you’re making that time for yourself. And it’s individualized. Self-care is very individualized. 

Sandy Zamalis: I love that.

Dr. Amy Moore: I love the freedom that that gives us, to define it and not feel guilty about how we define it. And so, we joke—listeners hear me talk about coffee on every single episode, and so I…occasionally I go, “well, maybe I need to give up my afternoon latte.” And I’m like, “no! That is my form of self-care.” Is to have that, because the smell brings me joy. The tactile experience of holding that warm cup brings me peace and comfort. It’s relaxing. I love the taste. That to me is, A form of self-care. Once I defined it that way, I stopped feeling guilty about it.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Absolutely. And it brings about all the hormones that are associated with self-care, right? You have that anticipatory hormone, you have that bonding period, you have that reward, and you know, and you’re probably at peace because the way you’ve described how you’re having that afternoon espresso or your afternoon coffee, it sounds like you’re taking some time to yourself to just enjoy it, you know? You’re not scarfing it down.

Dr. Amy Moore: Right? I’m not doing espresso shots! [laughs]

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Shots! Yeah. You’re really just—I bet you that there’s so many things, physiologically, within your body. Your heart rate’s probably gone down, your cortisol level’s gone down, your tension, your shoulders are probably nice and relaxed. Your body’s in a relaxed pose and in your mind, it’s either empty or thinking about something that’s pleasurable, that’s releasing more pleasurable hormones in your body. That’s self-care! That’s just similar to that person who is sitting and meditating and taking their breath down. Now, rest is assured, yes. You might have some of your listeners who’re like, “well, coffee, it’s a stimulant!” Yes, we understand that. But, it’s the act of everything that goes along with it that brings you peace. Like, why would we wanna take that away?

Dr. Amy Moore: Yes. So I’m gonna take this clip of what you just said, and I’m gonna actually share it with my physician. I’m just gonna say, “well, Dr. Tamara Beckford said that this is an appropriate form of self-care, because that’s how I’m defining it. And listen to the physiological benefits that you’re getting from this.” [laughs] So in all seriousness, speaking of benefits. Talk to our listeners about what are the benefits of self-care.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Oh, man. There’s so many great benefits. So, you know the health of course, we’ll talk about the health. Yeah, I’m a doctor. So, there’s so many great health benefits of self-care. Now, one of the aspects of life that we talked about and even I mentioned is the cortisol level that is consistently high because we’re consistently producing a lot of cortisol within our bodies, right? And that’s one of our stress hormones. So, you’re under a lot of stress. I’m under a lot of stress. You know, I work in the ER, I’m pretty sure if you were to draw my cortisol and check my cortisol level, it’s consistently high. So, to have something that brings me joy, that brings me peace, that helps to really relax me. That’s a healthy way of bringing the cortisol levels down. Now, why is this important? The cortisol level is your stress hormone. There are a lot of parts of our bodies that it effects, right? Now, you’re supposed to just really have that stress hormone when that tiger is coming after you. If you guys are watching, there isn’t really a tiger behind me, and therefore I don’t really need that stress hormone to be there cuz I don’t need the extra energy to run away from a tiger. But this way life is, we have now incorporated that as just, it’s now a part physiologically that we’re releasing it from our day-to-day, and our bodies can’t tell like, “we need to slow this down.” So, we need to have periods in our lives that we can really have these hormone levels slow down. And in doing so, we have to try to do it physiologically, right? By have working on our stress, our persistently high-stress lives, and that’s important. High blood pressure—reducing the stress reduces your pressure. Reducing the cortisol breaks down into steroid—it is a steroid. High sugar consistently in the body causes issues with weight gain…There are just so many of that physiological issue.

Dr. Amy Moore: Well, let me stop you right there. So, for our listeners, this is a term that you might relate to. What Dr. Tamara Beckford is saying is that you are stuck in the fight or flight response all day when you are living a stressful life.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Yes—consistently stressful life. Yeah. And so that fight or flight response, you’re consistently just releasing that hormone that is supposed to be released in a short burst to help you get away from that tiger, which is what our physio. But you’re living that stressful life. So the hormone is just consistently being released. So you’re not getting a burst. It’s just consistently being released and that’s not good for us. So, with you incorporating self-care, incorporating ways to reduce your stress, you can now tell the body, “I’m not under stress.” So, the body will say, “oh, I don’t need to release this excessive hormone.” So that’s a great way. Now there are also benefits. Which is sleep. Sleep is such a huge benefit within our body. So, we know that a great part of self-care is getting great sleep. Now, I know we have some people out there like, “yeah, three hours is all I need!” Um, No. Thank you. Not—your body is like, “oh Lord, there we go again. Depriving me of sleep.” But there are just so many benefits of sleep, which is a great part of self-care. Now, sleep is a restorative portion of our body, right? It’s our rest and reset button. So, our cells, they need to reset. They have to do their housekeeping, you know, get rid of all the old and dead portions, and then to restore this new lovely portion, which is why people who get rest, look so great and have great skin. I mean, why do you think you’re putting on your retinol at night? Come on ladies! Do you think that they’re putting all that retinol in the daytime? No, we’re putting it on at night to restore ourselves. So that’s the importance of sleep, but plus another important aspect of sleep is to deal with our hunger hormones. So, you know, our body goes and it knows, “okay, let me reset this pattern.” And therefore, if we’re up all night, you notice that your body’s just like, “okay, well, um, let’s just keep snacking,” right? So, when you get some rest, then the hunger hormone gets to be reduced. And that, of course, will help with not just weight loss, that’s important, but it just helps with our healthy body and our hunger and our cravings, period. So that’s another importance of self-care, right rest. Sleeping. And you notice we haven’t even spoken about the salon and we haven’t spoken about the nail shop. We just spoke about rest and sleeping and reducing our stress. So, another great importance of self-care is, um, community. And that’s a thing that I love and a lot of times when we think about Self-care, we’re not thinking about community. But community is a great part of self-care. Think about it ladies, like when you have set up to hang out with people you love hanging out with. Think about how you feel when that time is coming up. You’re like, “okay, well we’re having ladies night,” or “we’re all meeting here. We’re all gathering out.” You have that lovely anticipatory hormones when you go out, you’re laughing, you’re releasing additional sets of hormones. You’re bonding, which is another set of hormones. And then when you go home, you anticipate another time to be able to meet up with these people. That’s another portion of self-care, you know. So, hanging out or being around like-minded people who brings you joy? That’s the alignment of spirits that I love to talk about incorporating in self-care. So these are just really simple ways—and these are different ways to think about self-care, right?

Dr. Amy Moore: Absolutely.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: We didn’t even talk about the salon!

Dr. Amy Moore:  All right. It doesn’t feel selfish! Well, and I love that you brought up that community piece. I feel completely relaxed and fulfilled. By having lunch with my husband after church, right? Like, if he says to me, “let’s go to lunch, just the two of us.” To me, I feel like that is a form of self-care. Taking that time to nurture that relationship. That sense of connection. Um, and then if we go shopping and he buys me stuff afterwards, then that’s about—

Dr. Tamara Beckford: I mean, like, that’s like the ultimate care. [laughs]

Dr. Amy Moore: Oh yeah.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: But it’s just really—when you think about it, these are short bursts, little things that you can do that has big effect on the way you feel and, just the way that you approach life, right? But they’re just very small things and all of this is individualized. Like for you, you’re mentioning, “I love, you know, going after church and having lunch with my husband.” Someone else, it might be like, “oh my gosh, I love having game night with my ______.” You know, there are times that we come together with laughter or even just connectivity. The whole point is that oxytocin release, is that bonding. It’s a bonding hormone. You know, that’s the same hormone that bonds mother to child, and a lot of times we think like that’s it, but our body still has a hormone. It didn’t like, “okay, let me flip that switch off. Thank you guys. Your kids are now grown!” The hormone is still within the body. So, when you connect with someone, and I always say that hormone, the connectivity. You could connect with the wrong person, or you could connect with the right person, but it’s gonna release, so you know, you choose who you wanna be around. So when you’re around someone consistently, you find that you start to bond with them. That’s that hormone that’s connecting you and having you bond. So, if you’re bonding with people who bring you peace and makes you feel happy—Like I do, I have that set of people in my life that every Wednesday—Wednesdays are my hardest days—like ladies, Wednesdays are my hardest days. But yet still is the most fulfilling day, because I get to connect with others who are like-minded. So as much as it’s a hard day that, had I not had this schedule to connect with these people, I would probably be stressed out. Because after my connection, then my periods when I’m just relaxed, then I go about the rest of my week. It’s as if like it’s a short burst of my espresso in the middle of the week.

Dr. Amy Moore: I love that. I’ve read this study once, it’s been forever ago. But it was something like, if you sit arm to arm, like flesh to flesh, for 10 minutes with someone that you care about, that it lowers cortisol levels and releases oxytocin. And so this whole act of sitting on a couch next to someone you like…

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Mm-hmmm, and if you really think about it, there are a lot of times, which is why the hormone is so powerful. You know, you’re gonna bond irrespective, right? How many times have we read studies, even when it comes to like intimacy? Like, you just even just need to be there. Just the skin. The skin is a powerful organ that we really don’t like take into account how powerful it is because they’re just like, “yeah, your acne, oh, I have wrinkles!” But there’s just so many other things that’s out there. I mean, when we think about just from birth, from mom to baby, you know? When you have your baby and you put your baby on your chest, skin to skin, immediately hormones are released. For the woman, your breast is filled with milk—just from that skin-to-skin. Now, when you’re moved beyond that and, and then you’re also having that release of the oxytocin, that bonding—when you’re, like you mentioned, beside someone that you care about. You’re not even talking, you’re not even having a conversation. You’re just there. And I mean, for a lot of us who’ve had like, you know, I’m here with my husband, I’ve done that sometimes, and I just feel happy. You’re like, just at peace. And so if you have that person that you love, you know it’s there. Even if you do it with your child, it’s the same thing. You know?

Dr. Amy Moore: Well, and it’s good for them, too.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Absolutely. Yeah. They get that bonding and that hormone is there. And, you know, you can just see that they just feel loved and you haven’t said anything. So, imagine just using this thing. I mean, it’s such a powerful hormone, so it doesn’t have to be with a loved one. The same hormone is exuded when you’re there connecting with people you care about, such as your friends—like a really great friend that you just love spending time with. You know, the hormones are just as powerful then.

Sandy Zamalis: Do you feel like this is a harder concept for moms who have a professional day-to-day job, like yourself, or stay-at-home moms? Or is it kind of equally balanced between both groups? In terms of figuring out, you know, the self-care fit of it into of my day-to-day, and am I taking that time to make sure that I’m lowering those cortisol levels and taking time for myself.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: I think that’s a great question and I think it’s hard for all of us. I think it’s hard for stay-at-home moms and I think it’s hard for career moms. And I do wanna make sure that you guys, this is not a hormone release podcast. [laughs] But, I think it’s hard for both. Because by nature, we are riddled with guilt, no matter what we do. We feel riddled with guilt when we stay at home to take care of our children. We feel like we need to be the best… fill-in-the-blank… at home. Like, you know, the best homemaker. “My house has to be spotless. I am at home. Therefore, you know, everything that I need to do needs to tend to my child or to my spouse, or to this person.” So you’re being pulled, pulled, pulled, right? The person who is the career woman, the same thing. “I need to be the best in my career, and when I get home, I need to be as much as I can.” Even if you do have help in other aspects of your life, you’re still riddled with guilt that, “I spend too much time away from my child.  Will my child love me? Am I spending enough time with my spouse?” And a lot of this you’re worried about a lot of external factors. So both stay-at-home moms and career women and moms are having these external factors that you’re worrying about. Now, putting themselves first is such a challenging concept because it’s like, “well, once I have my child, I’m no longer first, My child is first.” Um, no, your child can’t be first because if you are not there, what’s gonna happen to the child? You have to be first. You know? It is the old adage that we hear about on the airplane, about putting the oxygen mask on yourself [first]. Because your child will be happier having a mom that’s there and present physically, emotionally, and spiritually, than to have a mom that’s there, present physically, and everything else is gone. Right? So, when you incorporate these small forms of self-care that we talk about here, you have filled your cup. Your cup is overflowing, and all that overflow, you have to give to everyone else. And you’ll never feel as if. you’ll have to be riddled with guilt. You’ve never feel doubt, you’ll never feel that “I’ll have to sit and worry about if my child is gonna care.” Your child is going to know that you love them. Your family knows that you love them. You’re able to give everything to them, and you have no guilt because your cup is still full. You know? You’re giving that overflow and that overflow—once you’re able to give that overflow and consistently give it over and over, you are happy. You’re at your best. You’re consistently at your best. So that’s the way that we really have to look at this. We have to change the narrative and change the viewpoint that we have in our mind that, “I’ll give it once I’ve done everything else. Whatever I have left over.” No, you’re giving everything else after you filled yourself.

Sandy Zamalis: So how do you start? [laughs] Like, what permission do you give yourself and, you know, what’s a baby step to get to?

Dr. Tamara Beckford: So a baby step that I always say is really—look, at first, it’s really gonna require a little bit of time and it requires you thinking about what it is. It goes back to the beginning of what we talked about. What is it that you like to do? What have you removed from your life that you really liked, that you can bring back? You know?  And it doesn’t have to be huge. Like some people might be like, “I loved to travel.” And so, I mean, if you’re stressed out, who wants to put together a vacation? That’s just gonna add stress, right? But what is it that you liked to do? Is it just that you wanna start maybe looking at places that you will eventually wanna go to, or even listening podcast and you know…small steps. Is it, “I love this particular type of food. Oh, you know what, I’m gonna take myself to this particular type of place, but it’s a me date. And no, you can’t come along. Thank you for asking.”

Sandy Zamalis: I would throw out that mine is the Mexican. It’s always Mexican [food].

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Yes, exactly! And, you know, if you drink, sit there, enjoy the meal in the middle of the day, have your margarita and you know, just make sure you’re not drunk because, and if you are, you Uber back.

Dr. Amy Moore: Or have a latte!

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Or a latte in the middle of the day, and really just sit. But it’s really just taking, what are those little steps that you have to just give yourself a little bit of peace? What is it that you can sit and think about? Man, I used to love doing this, and I haven’t done this in so long. Fiction. I used to love reading romance novels and oh my gosh, all I’m reading are ABC books. And oh my gosh, if I see another Cocomelon thing, I’m gonna go crazy! So why don’t I take that time out and get a book and I’m gonna give myself 20 minutes of just like immersing into this fiction or this romance novel, and 20 minutes a day is all I need for myself. It really does wonders.

Dr. Amy Moore: Yeah. So, I had this “aha” moment while you were talking a couple minutes ago. About how moms need to stop feeling guilty; that they can’t pour from an empty cup; that they have to take care of themselves first. And if we choose not to, if we choose to continue the rat race that we’re living and working and moming in, without caring for ourselves, what example are we setting? What message are we sending to our children about how moms should be?

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Yes.

Dr. Amy Moore: Oh, moms have to go, go, go, go, go and never care about themselves, right? Moms give and give and give, but can never take, right? What message are we sending, that we’re just gonna perpetuate the next generation, living in that constant fight or flight? That stage, right?

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Absolutely.

Dr. Amy Moore: Like we’re creating more problems than we’re solving.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Absolutely. Absolutely. No, it’s very powerful when you look at it that way. Because if we look at ourselves and we look at our generation before us, and we compare ourselves to that generation, and that’s our benchmark as to what we consider a great X, Y, Z. Like, oh my gosh. If we even think about us, like, you know, we had, some of us had moms who were stay-at-home moms, and then some of us had moms who were career moms, right? And for those of us who might have had stay-at-home moms, who were just really good and super organized, but we are career driven women. We now compare ourselves at home to our moms. So, if our house isn’t spic-and-span, you know, like how mom used to do it. But we’re trying to do that and be career and we consider ourselves failure, right? Because we feel like we need to do everything that mom used to do at home, because that’s what we saw. And so that’s a cycle that we’re doing and we’re adding what we’re doing at work and trying to do everything that mom did at home. So now, if we are now in this cycle that we’re just doing that and we’re burning ourselves out consistently in front of our kids, our kids are using us as the template, just like we used our parents as our template. So, it’s so important for us to learn how to break that cycle. And let our children know that no, it’s important to stop, take a break and pour into yourselves. And it’s not selfish to do that.

Dr. Amy Moore: Love that. All right. So, we need to take a break and, uh, let Sandy read a word from our sponsor. And then when we come back, we wanna hear about your show and the other resources that you have available, uh, for listeners who might wanna learn more from you.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: Absolutely.

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LearningRx can help you identify which skills may be keeping your child from performing their best. The LearningRx team would like to help get your child on the path to a brighter and more confident future. Join the growing list of more than 100,000 children and adults trained at LearningRx. Give LearningRx a call at 866-BRAIN-01 or visit learningrx.com. That’s learningrx.com.

Dr. Amy Moore: And we’re back. Talking to Dr. Tamara Beckford about the importance of self-care and how it is not selfish. So, tell us about the Tamara Beckford Show .

Dr. Tamara Beckford: So, I do myself have a podcast called the Dr. Tamara Beckford Show. So, on my show I get to highlight amazing physicians who are doing wonderful things inside and outside of clinical medicine. So if you’re interested, I have a wonderful library of physician podcasts. I’ve interviewed over 150 of my colleagues and they’re all available on my, URCaringDocs website, which you were mentioning. So, um, it’s http://urcaringdocs.com. If you hit the podcast list, then you’ll see all their beautiful faces and you can click listen, and you know, you’ll see the different topics. Amazing.

Sandy Zamalis: There’s so many of them. I was impressed with this. How many different doctors there were!

Dr. Amy Moore: We’ve actually interviewed a couple of them and we have another one coming up next week!

Dr. Tamara BeckfordL Yes, absolutely. They’re very like, fantastic people. Amazing. Amazing. I love hearing their stories and I love showing and highlighting the different facets of things that we’re doing outside of our clinical medicine. You know, things like this, like me talking about self-care. And you’re like, “what? You’re an ER doc.” I know. I know. In between that there’s something important too, which is self-care.

Dr. Amy Moore: You are allowed to know more than one thing. [laughs]

Sandy Zamalis: [laughs] Exactly, yeah. What other ways can listeners connect with you, Dr. Beckford?

Dr. Tamara Beckford: So they can connect with me through LinkedIn. I am Tamara Beckford, MD on LinkedIn. There you’ll be able to see me live every Thursday at 12:0 p.m. Central. I have a live interview and that’s where my podcast is highlighted. So, if you wanna jump on live and you know, go into chat, so I can give you a quick shout out during the show, then you can do that there. And then you can always, um, go to my main website. Like I said, http://urcaringdocs.com. I have a free download there if you want to know, “hey, where do I start this four week journey into self-care?” Part of it does say journaling, Sandy, but you can choose if you want to or not. It’s just—these are just ideas. They’re not mandatory.

Dr. Amy Moore: Sandy’s like, “I’m out!”

Sandy Zamalis: [laughs] I was going along until the journaling.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: I love it. And then for anyone else who wants to connect with me, you can connect with me on Facebook at Tamara Beckford, or you can do so at @urcaringdocs on Instagram. I’d love to connect with you all.

Dr. Amy Moore: Excellent. Is there anything you haven’t gotten to say today that you would like to leave our listeners with?

Dr. Tamara Beckford: I really want to highlight that, you know, busy moms, we understand, we hear you, we see you. You’re doing your best and don’t ever forget that. And, you know, never let anyone try to riddle you with guilt for you taking time out to build yourself, so that you can give your best to everyone else. That’s okay. Don’t feel guilty, and that’s the importance of your self-care. You need to give to yourself also.

Dr. Amy Moore: That’s a great sound bite.

Dr. Tamara Beckford: You can have it. [laughs]

Dr. Amy Moore: All right, so we’re outta time and need to wrap up, but this has been a fantastic, really eye opening, and important conversation that we’ve had today. We would like to thank you, Dr. Tamara Beckford, for joining us, for sharing your wisdom and your tips, and a unique way of looking at the importance of self-care and teaching us and our listeners that we don’t have to feel guilty about taking time to renew and refresh ourselves. So, if you would like more information about Dr. Beckford’s work, her website is http://urcaringdocs.com. You can find her on Facebook and Instagram @urcaringdocs, and we’ll put all of her links and handles the ones that she mentioned, as well, in the show notes so that you can find her in all of her amazing interviews and even go on the journey that she suggested, as well. Journaling or not. So, thank you so much for listening today. If you like us, please follow us on social media. We are on every platform @theBrainyMoms. If you liked our show today or any day, we would love it if you would leave us a five-star rating and review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to our show. If you would rather watch us, you and about seven other people can see us on video. I like to say it that way because most people listen. [laughs] But we are on YouTube for those of you who want to watch. Um, if you would like to be on our show or suggest a topic or guest for our show, you can email me directly at Dr. Amy at LearningRx dot com or visit Brainy Moms dot co.

So look, until next time, we know that you’re busy moms. And we’re busy moms. So we’re out. Sandy Zamalis: Have a great week.

How to help your kids successfully navigate the school system (Hint: it starts with a strong parent-teacher relationship) with guest Punam Saxena

About this Episode

Every family has their own set of goals for their children after they graduate high school and fly the nest. No matter whether your family’s goals are secondary education at an Ivy League institution, learning a trade at a vocational school, or heading straight into the workforce, parents can play an active role in their child’s education and help them safely experience both successes and failures as part of their journey.

Join Dr. Amy Moore and Sandy Zamalis for a chat with Punam Saxena, author of Parent Power: Navigate School and Beyond. Punam shares her tips and tricks for navigating the school system and creating positive relationships between parents and teachers so that they can work together to help their children safely experience both the highs of great success, and the lows of difficult, sometimes unexpected, failures. Punam explains why it’s important to provide a safe place for children to fail while they are still living at home, so that they can independently navigate the world of secondary education, the workforce, and beyond.

About Punam Saxena

Punam is a Parent Impact Coach, TEDx speaker, author of Parent Power: Navigate School and Beyond, and podcaster. Her work focuses on bridging the gap and fostering a stronger relationship between parents and schools by empowering parents to become partners in their child’s education. After children, Punam became a perennial volunteer in her four children’s schools. From volunteering for special activities in the classroom, to leading the parent organizations at two of their schools, she was entrenched in their activities and their education. It was most fulfilling when the outcome of our decisions directly impacted the students and their classroom teachers. Punam’s background includes a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology from Emory University, a Master’s Degree from the University of South Florida, and 20+ years of professional and advocacy experience.

Connect with Punam

Website: http://www.edu-Me.net
Facebook: http://www.facebook.come/theedume
Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/theedume
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/edume19
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/punam-saxena-m-ed-7981b9124/

Listen or Subscribe to our Podcast

Watch us on YouTube

Read the transcript for this episode:

Dr. Amy Moore: Hi, and welcome to this episode of Brainy Moms. I’m your host, Dr. Amy Moore, coming to you today from Colorado Springs, Colorado, and I am joined by my lovely co-host today, Sandy Zamalis, coming to us from Staunton, Virginia. We are excited to welcome our guest, Punam Saxena. Punam is a parent impact coach, TEDx Speaker, podcaster and author of the book, Parent Power: Navigate School and Beyond. Her work focuses on bridging the gap and fostering a stronger relationship between parents and schools by empowering parents to become partners in their child’s education.

Sandy Zamalis: Welcome Punam.

Punam Saxena: Hi. It’s so nice to see you girls.

Sandy Zamalis: We’re so glad you’re here. This topic is extremely timely in that, from an education perspective, we’re still recovering from the pandemic’s impact on learning, and I believe now more than ever, it is so important for every parent to learn how to build a strong relationship with their child’s educators. Before we get started, however, can you share with our listeners a little bit of your background and how you became passionate about helping parents find their power when advocating for their kids?

Punam Saxena: Yes, I’d love to. So I started out, well, I actually fell into education. I come from a family of educators and like all, like most children, they don’t wanna do what their parents did or their family does. So I was like, “I’m not gonna be in education.” And what I found was that it is the backbone of everything we. And every opportunity that we have. So I started teaching at a very young age, and I retired from teaching 10 years later, but I left teaching when my children were born. I had four children in four years. And I started volunteering just for fun, just to get out of the house, just to kind of spy on my kids, especially in kindergarten. You know, they get into tons of trouble in kindergarten, but I, you know, I wanted to see what they were doing. I wanted to get to know their teachers who were spending so much time with my children every single day. And eventually that relationship grew. And it grew to a point where we became friends and then we began to partner with each other because I was able to bring challenges that my child was having and tell the teacher, and we would be on the path to finding a solution. Now, I will tell you that part of bringing a challenge to the teacher is having a solution because when you were solution oriented, you have more credibility. You’re not just whining and complaining. So that’s probably part of the meat of what we’re gonna talk about, but that’s actually what developed over 20 years. And when they all went off to college and left me, I decided that I needed to turn this passion into a mission, and that’s what I’ve been doing for the last four years.

Dr. Amy Moore: So I’d love for you to start even further back and talk about what happened to you as a child and how that kind of impacted your whole movement, right? To be such an advocate for this. You talked about it in your TED Talk and so we’d love for our listeners to hear that story.

Punam Saxena: Sure. But they should also listen to the TED Talk as well. Absolutely. This is a snippet of it. I’m a first generation Indian American. I was born in Auburn, Alabama, which is, you know, a mecca for all Indians to go to when they immigrate. But my dad was doing his PhD and that’s where I was born. So I grew up in the south. I grew up in rural Georgia, south of Atlanta, and my parents didn’t know how to navigate the education system here. It’s very different from the one in India, and teachers in India are revered, so you don’t really question them. You take what they say as gospel. And so, in first grade I was given the gifted test and I didn’t make it. In second grade, I was given the gifted test. And I remember specifically that day taking the test. I was so excited because this time I knew what was gonna be on it. I knew I could pass it. And the, the other thing I remember about second grade is the day Mrs. Smith told me I didn’t make it for the second time, and it took my confidence from a very high level to nearly invisible. I lost all my confidence. My grades went from straight A’s to straight C’s. I became a C/D student and it really changed the trajectory of my life. Now what happened was my parents were immigrants and they didn’t know, and they tried everything in their wheelhouse, but when you don’t have a support system and you don’t have that relationship, because the teachers are not reaching out, and my parents didn’t know they could reach out, there was that disconnect. And so, I fell through the cracks. And you know, I don’t blame my parents at all. In fact, I really applaud them, because what could not happen for my brother and I happened for the next Indian family that moved in. And the older child in that family did not make it the first time he took the test and my parents said, “Nothing doing, You need to go and ask why. Make them tell you what needs to be done.” And they did it. He got into the gifted program. He went to MIT. And he became a successful businessman at 26. And the difference is night and day. And when I look back at those moments in my life, they were, they were defining moments. They were eye opening to the point where there was no other option, but for me to do this—for my children, for other children; you know, for other students whose parents never walked through the doors, especially in high school… Yeah, that’s just, that’s where I come from. I come from a place of, let’s make this better, not worse.

Dr. Amy Moore: Wow. So I’m super fascinated by something you said. You said that you know, the reason that your parents didn’t step in and advocate for you was because that wasn’t culturally how it was done in India, right? Because they just revered the teachers and let the teachers do their jobs basically.

Punam Saxena: Yes.

Dr. Amy Moore: Well in America, especially our current culture, everyone has an opinion. And everyone is right. So why is it that we still see parents shy away from advocating for their children at school? They’re voicing their opinion on social media. They’re voicing their opinion at cocktail parties, around the water cooler at the office, everywhere. Why do they not do that at school?

Punam Saxena: I believe it’s twofold. One is they’re too busy, or they say they’re too busy. “I have projects, I have deadlines, I’ve got to be at work. I have to clock in at eight. I have to, you know, clock out by six and I’ve got meetings back-to-back.” And, you know, that’s an easy—I hate to use the word cop out, but it’s a cop out. Because if you can text your friend about the latest crazy thing that’s happened, then you have time to send an email to your child’s teacher. It’s no different. And the other reason is that I believe many parents don’t find that they’re valued in the school system. They are the outsiders—the teachers, the administrators, the support staff—they all know education. They know the bureaucratic pieces of it. And parents generally don’t, and my philosophy is you don’t have to. That’s why you have teachers and administrators. What you have to do is talk about what your child is doing and where they are, socio-emotionally. That’s the piece that teachers need, that they’re not getting. If there was a huge tragedy in your home last night, and you send your child to school the next day, and your child is not performing, and the parent never says anything, how do they know? They’re assuming that everything is fine, that the child’s just being non-compliant. So our relationship with teachers is crucial, because we’re giving them the missing pieces that teachers aren’t seeing.

Dr. Amy Moore: Yeah, absolutely. I always talk about the importance of building empathy in teachers, and so I teach teachers about the ADHD brain, for example, and help them understand that children with ADHD have brains that work differently so that I can build empathy so that when teachers see behaviors in the classroom, they don’t take it personally, right? They say, “wait a minute. How can I support this child? Because this child is not doing this to me, but has a struggle.” And so I kind of see it as the same thing. That parents, the more they share about what’s going on in their child’s lives, whether it’s a diagnosis, whether it’s a trauma that has happened, whether it’s just a simple, “hey, he didn’t get enough sleep last night, so just wanted you to know,” Then that builds empathy, right? And then the teacher doesn’t say, “why is he behaving like this?” You know? He’ll say, “oh, mom said…”

Punam Saxena: And it’s, something’s really simple. You know, when we talk about parent engagement, immediately people go to, “I need to quit my job. I need to be on campus all the time, and I need to be in the, the thick of everything that’s happening.” And that’s not the case. And I think parents shy away because they think that, but it’s really a text, an email, a phone call. If you’re picking up your child in the afternoon, just getting there five minutes early and hopping out and just checking in with the teacher, something really, really simple. And the other thing that I will say that I think parents shy away from engaging is that parents are quick to not, put blame on their child or behaviors. I mean, when I was growing up, I’m much older than you ladies, and I was always the one who got it before the teacher even was contacted. “Well, a teacher contacted me and left me a message. Oh boy, I’m in trouble.” Because it’s not, it’s not the shifting of the blame. I was responsible for whatever reason the teacher was calling me. And so when the teachers reached out to me with my own children, the first thing I did was turn to mine and say, “what responsibilities did you have? You may not be the reason, but you must have had a part in it, and it’s better for you to tell me the truth now so that we can solve it.” And I think parents don’t want to hear that their child isn’t doing well, or they had a behavior issue, because they don’t want to have to deal with it. Because it’s too much. It’s one more added thing on their plate.

Dr. Amy Moore: Sure. And many times, they’re already seeing those behaviors at home, too. Yeah.

Punam Saxena: And, and the teachers are just, what’s the word? I’m losing all track of my brain cells today.

Dr. Amy Moore: (laughing) It’s because you’re much older than we are.

Punam Saxena: I know. I am!

Dr. Amy Moore: I laughed when you said that because I’m sure you are not; you just have really good lighting!

Punam Saxena: But if you’re seeing it at home, you can kind of ignore it, right? “That’s just who my child is.” But when the teacher is saying it, they’re confirming that behavior, and oftentimes we don’t wanna hear it from other people. So, there’s a lot of mixed emotions when it comes to parent engagement, and I understand that.

Sandy Zamalis: I was gonna ask, do you feel that sometimes parents might have a misunderstanding about the training a teacher has engaged in, in terms of dealing with different kinds of students, especially students that may have dyslexia or ADHD? I feel like in conversations that I’ve had, a lot of times, there’s a little bit of like this perception of expertise that parents don’t realize they’re the missing piece of that conversation, but maybe that teacher has never seen a student like your child and needs to learn and grow with this new student on how to manage and help this student be successful.

Punam Saxena: So I was a special education teacher when I was teaching. And this is also in my TED Talk, by the way. Just wanna throw that out there, this little anecdote. But we were sitting in an individualized education plan meeting, an IEP meeting, and you know, of course all of the professionals are there. I’m there as the teacher. You’ve got the guidance counselor, the classroom teacher, the district personnel. All of us are sitting there. And this mother, she worked an hourly job at McDonald’s. And she had to take two buses to get to this meeting, and she sat there for 30 minutes and we were talking about all the goals this kid needed: he needs to have remediation in reading and phonics and math, science, you know, in every single subject. We were literally taking his worst attributes and putting them on paper. And the mother did not say anything for 30 minutes, and I turned to her as the classroom teacher, because I’m thinking, “as a mom, why is she not saying a word?” And I said, “so, Mrs. So-and-so, what would you like to see your son do?” And she said, “you’re right. All of these are deficits in his, in his academics, all of them. And can he improve? Absolutely. But in seven years when he graduates, I need him to be able to have life skills. To know that he’s responsible to wash the dishes, to pay his electric bill. I need him to learn those skills.” I honestly thought to myself, “she doesn’t care if he can’t multiply. That’s not a life skill that he’s going to need, ever.” And so until we, as teachers, engage our parents, they’re not gonna come to the table. So, you’re right, Sandy, they’re not gonna come to the table. Because there is that level of expertise and parents feel inferior. But what they know best that the teacher doesn’t, is that is their child. They know their strength, they know their weaknesses, and they know what the child wants to do. Not every school, Let me rephrase this. Not every child is going to be in academics. They’re not gonna go on to college. They’re going to go on to a different post-secondary program. So we have to have flexibility in our academics and parents can provide that.

Dr. Amy Moore: So how much power does the parent have in an IEP meeting?

Punam Saxena: In my opinion, a hundred percent. I mean the curriculum is so interesting, that the state passes down, because it’s supposed to be for the average child. They’re looking at the median, right? They’re not looking above or below. So that child who’s struggling may never get to that. So are we pushing them to a point where they’re going to just completely fall apart and be unable to perform at any level? You know. So, I think there’s a lot of value in rethinking how we educate our children and we do need to know, our children need to know some things, but they don’t need to know calculus. I don’t remember calculus. Do you?

Dr. Amy Moore: I do not. (laughs)

Punam Saxena: Right. Exposure is one thing, but expecting them to perform at a level is something very different.

Dr. Amy Moore: Yeah, I’ve said in the past, we don’t all grow up and do the same job, so why are we taught exactly the same way? Why do we learn exactly the same things in the exact same order? When that isn’t our life trajectory.

Punam Saxena: I saw on Twitter the other day, a woman said, “my husband has retired. He’s 56 years old. He’s worked for 30 years and he was an electrician.” We don’t teach, you know, how to be an electrician in high school, but let tell you—when the electricity goes out, who are we calling? Because those PhDs are not gonna know how to fix it.

Dr. Amy Moore: Absolutely right. We don’t value the apprenticeship model in America, like Europe does. We don’t value the trades and you know, the alternative post-secondary experience, that you were just saying, in America. So, what needs to change in your opinion, for us to value that, and for us to kind of bring that into the high school environment, right? To show that there are these options and alternatives to college.

Punam Saxena: When  I was in high school, we had Shop. We had Home Ec., we had these classes that taught you life skills. So even if you didn’t go on to become an electrician, you at least had some basic knowledge. We don’t wanna have that anymore. So, in India, they have a class called General Knowledge. It’s called G.K. and every child has to take it. And it is general knowledge about life, about your society. So, people—my cousins in India and their children—had much more worldly views and understanding about history than we could ever imagine. And it is because that’s part of their curriculum. So we don’t, like you said, we don’t value it enough to put it into our curriculum. And yet those are the people we rely on when we need help.

Dr. Amy Moore: Absolutely.

Sandy Zamalis: I’m fascinated by, when you were telling your story about yourself, how that that one failure had such an impact on you and how you thought about yourself, and it impacted your grades. And we’ve talked on this podcast before about, you know, the story that you’re writing inside your mind of your life. What was that story that you told yourself when you made that, you know, perceived failure, and how that impacted you? And then what key helped you flip that, in order to become the successful adult that you became?

Punam Saxena: So when you’re an immigrant and you—English is not your first language—Hindi is my first language, you’re not socially accepted, because I grew up in a community that was black and white. We were the only non—we were the only Indians in our community, so we were the outcast. So, I already felt that in my social circle. So that was one aspect, and I’m a very social person, so that was, that was a huge red flag. And mind you, I’m eight years old and I’m still in tune to this. And so, the one thing that I had was academics. I could bury myself into my schoolwork because I knew that I had control over that. I knew I had control over my grades, and I knew I was good at my grades, because I was able to focus on them. So when Mrs. Smith told me that I didn’t make it, it was just one more, you know, red “X” on my heart that said, “well now I’m not good enough socially, and now I’m not good enough academically.” And it became, “why bother? If I’m not good in either, then what’s the point?” What changed is my husband, when we got married, I was 23 years old, still in that, that black hole. He said, “no more are you that person. So stop living there.” And I went from being a mediocre undergrad, to being an honors master student, in three years. And I started to realize the worth that I had, and that’s what changed, is the mindset that someone cares about you enough to lift you up. Now my parents tried to do everything they could. I give them a hundred percent credit for that. So, I don’t want to diminish their efforts. But you know, as a child, you just want someone of your peers to embrace you, and that just happened to be my husband. And since then, it has just been fun! And I’ll let you all in on a little secret. Four weeks ago I started my doctorate program.

Sandy Zamalis: Oh, congratulations!

Dr. Amy Moore: Excellent.

Punam Saxena: Because why not?

Sandy Zamalis: I love—you have in your article that I read when I was prepping for our talk today—you said that one of the things you like to help parents do is give their kids opportunity to make safe fails. But at the same time, which I find this to be tricky, also, have expectations, Right? So you’ve got, “yes, we wanna make sure we have understood expectations, but we also wanna make sure you have safety to fail.” How do you help parents with that? I find that dichotomy really interesting because a lot of times, we see kids in our center that just have that fear of failure. In fact, I did an assessment today and I opened the page and I had a student go stand up and say, “I quit . I quit.” And I thought, “wow, okay. Come back!” And I had to reel ‘im back in. But it’s that that fear of failure can just stop a student in their tracks. If they get overwhelmed, they immediately shut down.

Punam Saxena: They do shut down. So I’ll reference an article that I read in 2015, and it was by a Stanford professor, and she had the audacity to say—that we parents do not give our children the opportunity to fail. Because when they come to Stanford, you know, the suicide rate is very high at these prestigious institutions, and she said, “because you’re not teaching them to fail, we’re losing that, and they’re losing their lives.” And my son had applied to Stanford and didn’t get in. And he was a very good student. He is a very good student. And so, I just chuckled to myself. I’m like, “lady, you don’t accept failure. My child got an 89/B in one class and that wasn’t good enough.” He was a class president, you know, he had done all of these things, and 89/B is not even failing. Right? So, the part about us teaching them to fail is very important because when they get out into the world, they need to understand that not everyone is going to accept what they’re putting out. And that’s really important, because learning how to fail is more important than learning how to win or be successful. And it’s something that we have to teach. So, when you’re walking that fine line, what I recommend is look at what the activity is. You know, if it’s peewee soccer, it’s not gonna matter, right? If they didn’t score a goal, or they missed the ball, whatever. I know parents—I’m sorry to all you parents out there who, who believe that that’s really important. But in the long scheme of things, it’s not going to change their life. So, we have to keep it in perspective. So, when we’re talking about safe sales, I would say, Sandy, we have to keep it in perspective. If it’s life-altering, we need to step in. If it is not life-altering, like an 89/B, it’s not life altering. Now, did it alter his life to go to Stanford? Yes. He’s doing just fine. And so, we have to keep that in perspective when we’re talking about safe fails. And safe failing is good for their confidence. It’s good for motivation. The big fails are where we lose them, and we lose that confidence. Like the test that I took in second grade, that was a big fail, in my mind. So we have to, we have to look at that. And a safe fail for one child may be a big fail for another. So, we have to look at that child individually when we’re processing how we want to proceed.

Dr. Amy Moore: Yeah. And that absolutely builds resilience, um, to be supported through those fails for sure. So, we need to take a break. And Sandy’s gonna read a word from our sponsor. And when we come back, we want you to talk to us about your book.

Sandy Zamalis: Are you concerned about your child’s reading or spelling performance? Are you worried your child’s reading curriculum isn’t thorough enough? Well, most learning struggles aren’t the results of poor curriculum or instruction. They’re typically caused by having cognitive skills that need to be strengthened—skills like auditory processing, memory, and processing speed. LearningRx one on one brain training and structured literacy programs are designed to target and strengthen the skills that we rely on for reading, spelling, writing, and learning.

LearningRx can help you identify which skills may be keeping your child from performing their best. The LearningRx team would like to help get your child on the path to a brighter and more confident future. Join the growing list of more than 100,000 children and adults trained at LearningRx. Give LearningRx a call at 866-BRAIN-01 or visit learningrx.com. That’s learningrx.com.

Dr. Amy Moore: And we’re back talking to Punam Saxena about the importance of, teacher and parent relationships, or parent and school relationships. And so Punam, you’ve written a book called Parent Power: Navigate School and Beyond. Talk to us about that.

Punam Saxena: The book is about normalizing parenting. Every single one of us is overwhelmed at some point in our parenting, and I would say sometimes it’s minute by minute, in what we have to tackle. And so this book kind of breaks it down into chapters, so you can process different scenarios that you’re living. And see that it’s all okay. So, the book starts with self-care, because that’s the first thing that parents, especially moms, throw out the window. We’re like, “well, you know, I don’t really need to do my breathing exercises today,” or go for a walk, or whatever. Yes, you do, because when you’re so anxious at the end of the day, those activities are what keep you grounded. And so, the first thing we have to do is take care of ourselves. We can’t take care of anyone else until we are solid. Part of this chapter focuses on the other thing that we don’t do, which is give ourselves grace. We work at a hundred miles an hour. Everything has to be perfect. If, you know, our project is not looking perfect, we stress about it. If there are dishes in the sink, we’re like, “oh my gosh, I can’t believe I haven’t gotten to those dishes yet.” We’re constantly on the hamster wheel trying to attain this level of perfection that is impossible. Then we feel bad about it. We don’t give ourselves grace to say, “you know what? I’m really tired. I got 10 things on my list done, and the 11th thing, which is the dishes, it’s not gonna get done tonight.” Or, “I’m too tired to cook and I feel bad that I’m taking my kids through the drive through for the third time this week.” Kids are happy. Right? They don’t have to be the broccoli or the spinach. They’re thrilled! But we don’t allow ourselves to feel that openness to say, “you know, what? It’s okay. I didn’t do great this week. I’m going to try and switch things up for next week.” So self-care is a big part of it, and giving ourselves grace is a huge part of this book. The other part, like we were talking about, sports in Peewee soccer, you know. Haven’t we all been to a sporting event and you’re looking at this parent going, “wow, you need to chill out. What is wrong with you? You were screaming at eight-year-olds. They’re just running around. They don’t know what’s going on. They’re having fun!” You know, but this parent’s taking it so seriously. Well, what happens to that child? That’s what that child sees. And then the team learning that happens is not occurring, because it’s not fun anymore. It’s work. And then it moves through social media, The impact of social media and how we as parents can maneuver it. For me, social media is a double-edged sword. It’s great. You can Google anything. And the other side is, you can Google anything. How do you navigate that? And it’s by having honest conversations with your children, monitoring what they’re doing. Mine always said that I was infringing on their rights, and I said, “You betcha. That’s my job. My job is, until you’re 18, to make sure that you’re in safe places. And I’m sorry if it, you know, cramps your style, but it is better for us to be in a safe environment than a potentially dangerous one.” And I think parents are hesitant a lot of times to check what’s on their children’s phones and to monitor their social media. I really encourage you to monitor it. Their brains are not developed enough to understand all the nuances that are occurring. And our children are exposed to so many adult situations that we were never exposed to prior to social media. So, it’s vitally important that parents check that. And then the last chapter is empty nesting. We go the whole gamut. Talking about how to manage having an empty nest. What do you do? You’ve raised these little people and they just leave you? Yeah. You want ’em to, don’t you? I don’t want my children here when they’re 50, hanging out with me. No, go! I want you to come home because you want to come home. Right? And so, we want to be able to provide those independent living skills. Now, whether they live with you for a short period of time or not, that’s very different. But they still need to have those independent skills to be able to live in the real world. And the other side of that is, hey, you can write a book, you can do a podcast, you can do a TEDx talk. You can do all of these things, because now you have time to focus on the things you’re really interested in doing. So that’s what the book is about. Each chapter ends with Punam’s perspective, which is an anecdote of my life of why I believe this is so important, or the chapter is so important. So yeah, it’s fun, it’s informative, and it’s a little snarky.

Dr. Amy Moore: We like a little snarky.

Punam Saxena: It’s who I am. It just comes out naturally.

Dr. Amy Moore: And that’s available everywhere books are sold?

Punam Saxena: Yes, absolutely.

Dr. Amy Moore: What’s so funny, Sandy?

Sandy Zamalis: Nothing. I’m just laughing at you two. Snarky.

Dr. Amy Moore: Snarky. I’m all about snarky. You have to have a way, right? I can be self-deprecating and snarky all at the same time.

Punam Saxena:  I think it, that’s a great tool that parents can have. Is starting to laugh at themselves.

Sandy Zamalis: Sure. Absolutely. So, you have a podcast too, right, Punam? In fact, you call your episodes, edu-sodes. Tell our listeners about that.

Punam Saxena: Yeah, so my whole business started with a podcast cause I’m like, “I can talk! But what am I gonna talk about?” And then I realized what I’m gonna talk about is things that are important to me, which is parent engagement. And so that’s what EDUme is, that’s all we do, is we talk about strategies. We bring in professionals to talk to us. I brought in my parents to talk about the immigrant experience and navigating the education system here. I brought in my son who is gay, and we talked about what it’s like to be a gay minority in America. Cause all of these things are happening in our world, and if we don’t talk about them, then we’re only heightening the divide. And so, my job is to bridge those stories and those strategies, so that parents can see themselves in that situation and then move forward. And see the value of being engaged in education because it is a value and it’s an investment in your child.

Dr. Amy Moore: So we’re almost out of time, but I would love it if you would leave our listeners with some quick tips on creating those relationships with schools, the best ways to communicate, you know, where they can start.

Punam Saxena: Sure. I think the first thing is that we have to be willing to do it. We have to be willing to prioritize our children and their academics. And that doesn’t mean you have to be in touch with the  teachers every single day. You can put it on your calendar and touch base with them every week or every other week, and just make it a habit. Because when we make it a habit, it becomes more a part of our lives. And I will tell you, as a teacher, I want that input. So I would say don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid. Take that first step and reach out and say, “Hi, I’m So-and-so’s mom and I would love to know how Johnny is doing in class this week. Is there anything that I can do at home to support you?” Pretty simple. Two or three sentences. The other thing that I would say is talk to your child. What’s happening in the classroom? Let them know that you’re interested in what’s happening, because when you show interest in them, they’re gonna ask you what you did today? “Did you get your big project done, Mom?” That’s a huge part of building that relationship because children are really proud when you get your project done. They’re gonna go to school the next day and say, Guess what? My mom did this big project. And then the teacher might hear it and go, “oh, well let’s talk about the project.” We’re creating that symbiotic relationship, and that’s ultimately what we want is a symbiotic relationship. The other thing that I would say is, it’s not complex. It’s not the PTA mom. It’s not the homeroom mom. It’s not the party planners that you need to be. You just need to be engaged. That’s it. So that’s my strategy. It’s not rocket science. It’s just, reach out. And I would say do not reach out when your child has an issue. That’s the wrong time to say, “hey, I think you really messed up my kid that came home crying today.” Okay, well, you know, that’s not the way you’re going to create a relationship. That’s the fastest way to get a reputation for being a bully parent. If you create that relationship on the outset when there is an issue, you go in and you talk to the teacher and because you have a relationship with them there, they’re partnering. We’re partnering together. And it’s amazing the solutions you’ll find.

Sandy Zamalis: So, what I hear you saying is if we start off with creating these positive communications and interactions off the bat, then when we do have an issue, it’s much better received.

Punam Saxena: Absolutely. Absolutely! And we’ve all, we’ve all seen parents, you know, come in all huffy and puffy. Well, that’s not productive. I will say. And I will also say that teachers are human. They’re with kids all day. They’re craving adult interaction, right? Most of them wanna talk to somebody who’s an adult. But they also wanted to know that they have an ally in that parent—that if there’s an issue, that they can call and say, “hey, this is what happened.” My, daughter’s high school calculus teacher called me—12th grade. She’s senior—and said, “You know what? So-and-so is having a really rough week. Is everything okay at home?” Wow. Right? You don’t hear that happening very often, but it happens when you create those relationships. And teachers knowing that they have an ally in a parent is powerful stuff. Powerful. Because they can’t make changes from the inside, but they can talk to you about it, and then maybe you can help find a solution to make a change that’ll be better for everyone.

Dr. Amy Moore: I love that. Thank you so much for being with us today, Punam, and for sharing your wisdom and tips And, listeners, if you would like more information about Puna and her work, her website is http://www.edu-me.net and you can find her on Facebook and Instagram at @theedume. We’ll put all those links and handles in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening today. Please follow us on social media at the Brainy Moms. If you like us. And if you liked our show today or any day, we would love it if you would leave us a five-star rating and review on Apple Podcasts or whatever platform you get your podcasts. If you would rather watch us, we are also on YouTube, so you can subscribe to our YouTube channel, The Brainy Moms. If you would like to be on our show or suggest a guest or topic for our show, you can email me at [email protected] or visit brainymoms.co. So, look, we know that you’re busy moms, and we’re busy moms. So until next time, we’re out.

Sandy Zamalis: Have a great week.

Want to Heal Your Trauma? Don’t Start with Therapy, Start with the Body! with guest Dr. Aimie Apigian

About this Episode

Whether we know it or not, each of us is carrying trauma inside of our bodies. Even with a charmed childhood, there are moments in your life when you experienced a feeling of overwhelm. Each time we don’t work through those feelings, they add to our unresolved trauma. We carry all of that trauma into our adulthood—and into motherhood.

Dr. Amy Moore and Teri Miller sat down with Dr. Aimie Apigian, who is the creator of the Biology of Trauma Methodology. Dr. Aimie explains to Dr. Amy and Teri how therapy is actually not the first step in healing our trauma, despite what we have been taught—and what many of us have tried. In fact, the first step is to understand our body’s response to trauma, and then to learn how to regulate our body’s response to trauma. Dr. Aimie even shares some helpful first steps we can take to get started on this process of healing.

About Dr. Aimie

Dr. Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH, is a Board-Certified Preventive Medicine physician with a Masters in Biochemistry and a Masters in Public Health. She is an author, speaker and founder of Trauma Healing Accelerated, LLC and Family Challenge Camps.

After a few years in a general surgery residency in Portland, OR, Dr. Aimie decided to forge her career path as a Trauma, Attachment and Addiction Medicine Physician. She believes the healing journey can be accelerated through evidence-based tools and approaches to rewire the nervous system and the effects of chronic stress and trauma on the mind and body. Having both parented children with effects from attachment and trauma issues and then having her own health challenges from chronic stress and traumas, she is intensely invested on finding what actually works practically and how to restore the body to its highest potential for health optimizing the biology.

In addition to her medical training, she is also a Functional Medicine physician and has training and certifications specifically in neuro-autoimmunity, nutrition and genetics for addictions, mental health, and mood and behavioral disorders.

She has a number of certifications in various trauma therapies including Instinctual Trauma Response Model (an art trauma therapy), Somatic Experiencing (developed by Dr. Peter Levine), and NeuroAffective Touch (Dr. Aline LaPierre). Dr. Aimie enjoys bridging the gap between what she sees happening in these trauma therapies and a person’s biology and nervous system.

She is the Founder and Director for Family Challenge Camps, a non-profit organization founded in 2011 providing an experiential transformative intensive for families with children with trauma and attachment issues. She now has founded Trauma Healing Accelerated to bring information and personal empowerment through online courses. She hosts summits on how to optimize the biology in those who want the next level to their health and performance. She has an active medical practice in California in Addiction Medicine and Concierge Functional Medicine.

Connect with Dr. Aimie

Website: https://www.traumahealingaccelerated.com/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/DrAimieApigian

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/draimie/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/draimie

Twitter: https://twitter.com/draimie

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-aimie-apigian-1b863244

Mentioned in this Episode

Link to Dr. Aimie’s e-guide, Steps to Identify and Heal Trauma: A Roadmap For Healing

Link to learn more about Dr. Aimie’s trauma recovery program, 21-Day Journey to Calm Aliveness

Link to Dr. Aimie’s weekend retreat called, The Starting Place

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Read the transcript for this episode:

Dr. Amy Moore: Hi, and welcome to this episode of Brainy Moms. I’m your host, Dr. Amy Moore here with my co-host Teri Miller coming to you today from Colorado Springs, Colorado. Our guest today is Dr. Aimie Apigian. Dr. Aimie is the leading medical expert on how life experiences get stored in the body and how to restore the body to its best state of health through her signature model and methodology, the biology of trauma. She’s a double board-certified medical physician in preventative medicine and addiction medicine, and she has a master’s in Biochemistry and a master’s in Public Health. And in addition to her medical training, she is also a Functional Medicine physician and has training and certifications in neuro-autoimmunity, nutrition, genetics, art trauma therapy, somatic experiencing, and NeuroAffective touch. Dr. Aimie is here today to talk to us about the biology of trauma and her work in reversing the chronic effects of trauma on the body.

Teri Miller: Welcome Dr. Aimie!

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Thank you so much. I’m really excited to be here and to have this conversation today.

Teri Miller: Good. I’m glad you’re here too. And it’s so funny. We have two Dr. Amys, so we’ll just have to sort it out, listeners. You’ll just have to be able to tell the difference in their voices.

Dr. Amy:  I’m gonna put on my best Southern accent today.

Teri MIller: There you go.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: And I do not have any kind of a Southern accent. If anything, I was told, uh, that I have more of a Canadian accent and I actually was born just a few miles from the Canadian border. So maybe that will help, uh, your listeners tell the difference between our voices. 

Dr. Amy Moore: okay. We’re gonna work it out.

Teri Miller: Okay. Well, this is a topic that I’m really passionate about. I personally care a lot about. So I’m excited to hear from you and, um, it’s important. Um, we’re needing more attention on this topic and especially in recent years. So before we dig into it all, I want you to give our listeners a little bit of your background and how you ended up doing what you’re doing today.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Oh, my goodness. Uh, my background, I never expected to be doing this. Never expected to, um, be enjoying talking about trauma and get excited about talking about trauma.

Like I, I am excited about this conversation. So I actually was one of those probably science, nerdy people. I was always reading a book growing up and I went into medical school also with the understanding that I was going to be getting a PhD. And so very science, like very heavy into the science, very much into my head, very much into understanding things, which is important to know because I was so disconnected from my body and didn’t even know that I was disconnected from my body. And when I went into medical school, I did medical school at Loma Linda University. And the way they did it was they split up some of the medical school training from the PhD training. And so I actually finished with a master’s in biochemistry, and as I was finishing that up, I had some space in my life and I decided to do something that I had always kind of felt a calling to do, which is to become a foster parent. And so I jumped through all of the hoops that many parents know about for becoming a foster parent an  Miguel, at four years old, landed in my house. And I still remember the very first moment that I met him, that I, that I saw him. And it wasn’t until eight months later that I would actually adopt him and my goodness, what a difference he made in my life. Um, I wanna, I, I wanna say it disrupted my life in a very good way, right? We had a lot of challenges to go through because his life had been so traumatic. And it was easy for me to see his trauma, Teri. It was easy for me to see my goodness, all of the moves that he had had by the time he got to my home, he had had over 20 moves, over 20 different placements.

Teri: How old?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: four.

Teri Miller: Oh my goodness. Okay.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: I know, right? Like, I can look at that and be like, oh my good—and, and I can even remember like how my heart so wanted to erase all of that for him. And I went into it just being like, how can I love this boy so much? Ah, and even as I say that, I feel the tears coming behind my eyes, right? Like, how can I love this boy so much that he can rise above his past. That that is not something that holds him back, but something that he’s able to use for his good, because he had all the love afterwards to make up for that. Yeah. And I had a very hard lesson to learn, which is that when it comes to trauma, love is not enough. And there’s actually a very specific process that each one of us has to go through. And I think that every person has had some degree of trauma and there’s a specific process in which trauma gets stored in our body. And so there’s a specific process by which it gets released from our body. And we haven’t been taught these tools. We haven’t been taught this knowledge. And so that’s where I feel that my, my place is or has become in the world, uh, in large part, motivated by Miguel and his experience in having to figure out what it was that he did need. When I figured out that my love would never be enough to help him overcome his past.

Teri Miller: Oh, my goodness. I, I am with you. I am. So with you, how old is he now?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: So, part of our story is that he is no longer with me. So he was with me for six years. And that that’s a whole ‘nother story. That’s a whole story, Teri. Uh, it was a very rough six years because I did not know what I know now. And I, I had to figure it all out. And so he just turned 18 a few months ago, but he, he is with another family now. And, um, that’s, that’s part of, part of our story.

Teri Miller: Right. Ugh. It is that I can’t know, know his story and your story, but in a similar way, my youngest daughter joined our family when she was four, after four really rough years of neglect.  And we don’t know what all abuse, but some pretty profound neglect. And, um, it’s, it is really hard. She’s 10 now and it’s hard and you’re right. All the love doesn’t heal. I mean, it does a lot, but it doesn’t heal.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: They can’t heal without the love, right?  

Teri Miller: Right.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: But, but the love by itself is not enough, which is what I had thought.

Teri Miller: Right. Yeah. Same here.  very similar. Yeah.

Dr. Amy Moore: So, I’m gonna…give us a break on the emotion for just a second.  and, um, let’s talk about some basics because a lot of times when we think about trauma, right, we say it’s the experience that is the trauma, rather than our reaction to the experience. And then sometimes when we think about trauma, we think that it has to be something huge, right? Like a natural disaster or a murder, right? And so, talk to us a little bit about what trauma actually means. Like what, what are some examples? How do you define it? What’s the difference between trauma and just stress?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I get those questions a lot. Dr. Amy. So I actually sat down and wrote out as steps to identify and then heal trauma because that’s where I realized that most people don’t have that education, and I didn’t have it, right? And I was a medical physician  so, so if I didn’t really understand what trauma is, how can we expect other people to know? So I have this all written out in my roadmap to help people identify trauma. Because again, whether it’s, you know, Miguel or it’s Teri’s daughter, those are easy traumas to identify for the rest of us. For me, right? When I started to have my health issues that I knew from my medical studies, that this was all related to childhood. I had no idea why, because I—my childhood was nothing like my son’s, nothing. So why would I have chronic fatigue, autoimmune markers high. Becoming overweight. All of these things that I knew were associated with those adverse childhood experiences. So what is trauma? And this is where we get to become really simple with understanding “what is trauma” to help us identify it. And trauma is anything that, for any reason, at that time in our life, overwhelmed us. Anything. And it’s, and it’s not, it takes the focus away from what was that thing. And it allows us to put the focus on, “I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t know if I was gonna be okay. There was a moment in time when I didn’t know if I would be okay.” That is the moment. That our physiology—our biology—actually switches from either parasympathetic or stress to trauma, and many people have heard of the terms fight, fight, or freeze. And when we do that, we actually are lumping stress and trauma response all in the same thing. And that has allowed a lot of the misunderstanding to happen around trauma, because a stress response is a very high energy response. You are actively fighting. And whether that means running away, whether that means running towards, whether that means fighting, whether whatever, it’s a very high energy process. Whereas overwhelm, and even when I just say that word, right? Overwhelm—people listening are likely feeling heaviness just with that word. And that’s what trauma is. Trauma is that moment where our physiology. Our biology turns to what is the third state of the nervous system, which is overwhelm state. There’s some other names for that state. People may know the dorsal vagal response, for example, polyvagal theory, the freeze response. Those are other words for this trauma state, this trauma response, but it is anything that, for any reason, at that time in our life, overwhelmed us and put us into that place even for a moment in time of feeling overwhelmed: “oh my goodness. I think I’m, I think I’m drowning.”

Teri Miller: Yeah. I mean, I think, good heavens, what pops into my mind is every single new mother.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: every single new mother, Teri.

Teri Miller: Every single—with every newish, every child that’s added to the family. Because I think there’s so much, I don’t care if it’s, you’re getting that newborn or you’re bringing in a foster or adoptive child. There’s that exhaustion. Yes. Um, there is that, that’s the word, the feeling of overwhelm. Am I messing this up? Am I doing this right? Am I okay? Am I, you know, juggling everything and it is, it is so overwhelming.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: And I love how you are starting to put some language and some thoughts around that, because in that exhausted state, we do things. We think things, we feel things, and that’s actually how we can help identify that we have trauma patterns. Because again, otherwise, a new mom, or a whatever—in whatever situation, you’re not thinking, “oh, this is a trauma pattern.” Like, you’re just in the middle of it. And you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Teri Miller: Right.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: And being able to, in that moment be like, “oh, isn’t this interesting? Well, that’s an interesting thought. Why would I be having a thought of, am I gonna be okay? Am I gonna keep things together? Can I hold all of this up?” And that’s how we can start to identify that we even have trauma patterns is noticing where our thoughts go.

Dr. Amy Moore: So then where… how do you classify the trauma that you experience in the moment, right? Because you do have that response. You have that reaction: “oh, am I gonna be okay?” Because this is overwhelming, but then you do get through it: “oh, I’m all right. It’s fine. I got a good night’s sleep last night, moving on.” And the trauma that holds on and then manifests itself in physical biological ways. What, how… how do you draw the line between those two?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Ooh, I love talking about this because what I would want people to understand is the difference between completing a trauma response and not completing a trauma response, but kind of like packing it up in a box, stuffing it somewhere and being like, “I can’t deal with that right now. So I’m gonna put it over there. I’m gonna distract myself. I’m gonna numb myself because that’s too big for me to deal with right now.” But when we’re able to complete a trauma response, we come out of that and we come through it and that is a very healthy process. And that is actually part of—a huge part of resilience—is being able to complete a response. And so, in my roadmap that I have, that I’m hoping that we can share with your audience, there’s a picture in there of exactly how trauma gets stored into the body. And it shows that we start with a trigger. We go up into the stress. If it is a trauma, it’s going to go into that exhaustion, fatigue, overwhelm. “I’m feeling like I’m being crushed by the weight of everything.” And then our way out of that is the same way back out. Like, we actually come out of that freeze response up into the stress and back into the “oh, everything is going to be okay because I’ve dealt with the problem.” It’s when we don’t deal with the problem, and try to kinda like ignore that it’s there, and just hope that it goes away? That’s when we’re not gonna be completing any responses. And that gets stored. And what ends up happening is that ever since early childhood we’ve started accumulating experiences that were too big for us to manage at that time, and then it starts building up, and building up, and we can start to talk about how the body bears the burden. There is a burden that continues to increase as we go through life, because the more times, and the earlier that this started to happen, that we didn’t complete those responses—the more that that’s the same pattern as we move into adulthood. Cause it literally becomes kinda like a freeway system. And the more that you drive down that road, the more it’s gonna be the streamlined default response every time. And what ends up happening is that, now, even with a little bit of stress, your system immediately goes into overwhelm. It almost doesn’t matter what the stress is, how big, how small it could be that you spilled your coffee. But now all of a sudden, right? Like , you’re overwhelmed, you’re angry, you’re upset. You’re snapping at everybody. You need to go isolate. You need to go play your music and put your earbuds in and you know, like blast the music or you wanna just go to bed and, you know, like go back to bed and not even start the day. Like those are all trauma responses. And it was just because you spilled the coffee, right?  But it’s not the spilling of the coffee. It’s all of the years of the other responses to overwhelm that you accumulated, rather than being able to complete those responses, and they’ve built up. And so now you constantly are like right underneath the edge of overwhelm all the time. And what happens to a lot of people is that they spend more time in stress, and so they feel anxious. And then towards the evening, right? Like the end of their day, they can start to go into that exhaustion. And they wanna put their feet up. They wanna turn on the TV, they wanna get it on their phone. They just wanna zone out, right? They just, maybe they grab a glass of wine. Like they just, they just want to zone out. And then in the morning when they wake up, they start to notice that, oh, is it morning already? I don’t wanna get up. Ooh, like, Ooh, like we’re actually already starting the day in that trauma response state, that third state of our nervous system, we’re starting our day in overwhelm. And if we continue life in this way, without working with the stored trauma. We spend more and more and more time in that overwhelm state. And now we’re needing to reach for coffee earlier in the day. Now we’re needing to wait until a deadline, until we’re gonna be late for our meeting and then we leave because now we’ve got the adrenaline that makes us feel alive and awake, and we’re actually having to use what would be stimulants in order to just feel awake and alive and get things done, because without those we feel dead, we feel numb. We feel exhausted.

Teri MIller: Goodness gracious. Okay. So if. Let’s just say theoretically, that 99.9% of our listeners right now are waving their arms…

Dr. Aimie Apigian: I was gonna say that tends to describe a lot of people.

Teri Miller: Yeah. So, so we’re, we’re all waving our arms in the air saying, oh my goodness, that’s where I’m finding myself. And even if, okay, so just our audience, we’re, we’re gonna talk about moms. We’re gonna say moms. And I know this is important for all ages, all genders, all situations, but thinking about moms, we have been overwhelmed by bringing a life and becoming a mom, maybe having another child and another, whatever the story is, and then changes in work and then financial struggles and then marital problems and all the myriad of things that, that go along with life. Um, so we’re there. And, and so I’m saying “help!” Now, what would, what would you say ?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: I mean, my first response there is that yes, like life… like we’ve gotta start understanding that just life has become overwhelming. Everyone has trauma, so I wouldn’t want them to feel that they were different, that they were a failure, that they’ve done something wrong. Like, this is just our life now. Yes, we can look at all of the social changes that have happened that have set us up for this. Cuz I don’t think that this is what it used to always be, right? But, but it is what it is. We’re here now. Our parents probably didn’t give us all of the experiences that we needed to not have overwhelm in our childhood. So we’re coming into parenting with our own trauma patterns and not even knowing that we have trauma patterns. And yet, that’s also what we start to notice that we pass on to our kids, and we start to notice even, even starting with post-partum depression and post-partum anxiety, like this is real stuff. So where would a mom specifically start? Yeah. Like we’ve got to start actually working with that overwhelm. And there is a very specific sequence in which we need to work with trauma, and I’m gonna share something with your audience that is probably not something that they’re hearing in other places. And one would be, the first thing that we are often told to do, I was told to do this and I did it all wrong. If you ever need an example of what not to do, you can just look at me and what I’ve done. I have, I have made all the mistakes so that I could teach you what not to do. And, like everybody else, and what I used to tell people as a medical physician—cuz  that’s what they trained me to tell—is,  oh, you know what? You need to go to therapy. You know, that’s, you need to process. So there’s actually two arms to releasing and changing trauma patterns, which can totally be done at any age. Like I still work with 90-year-olds who are changing their trauma patterns. So as long as you’re breathing, we’ve, we’ve got lots of hope. And there are two arms to releasing and changing trauma patterns. And the one would be processing, we’ve got process. But the other arm is called regulation. And regulation is a, is a term, is a word for our ability to keep things manageable internally, in our physiology, in our biology. In, in the medical world, we call that homeostasis. And our ability to stay in our window of feeling like things are manageable. And the difficult thing, Teri, is that the longer that we’ve gone living this way, the smaller our window has become, right? And moms can notice this, right? Like as long as their kids are behaving perfectly, as long as the house is clean, as long as this happens, then I’m okay, right? But if anything is off, woo, like I’m losing my cool. And so our window, our window of feeling manageable has become really small. That’s our regulation. And whatever size your window is, like, that’s actually the capacity for your ability to process trauma. So, we’ve got to first increase your capacity for regulation, or increase that capacity of your window for feeling like, “okay. Yeah, I’ve got some flexibility here. I can, I can go a little bit into something that’s uncomfortable, but still have it stay manageable.” What I see happening so often is that moms especially are jumping off the cliffs of emotional chaos with therapy and they’re going in and they’re thinking that I just need to process all this. I need to talk about my own childhood, or I need to talk about my marriage, or I need to talk about my kids. And they’re trying to do processing, without having any skills or being taught skills, for regulation, which is what I do in my courses. I teach skills on how to regulate yourself. So then you can go and do the processing. So they’re doing this processing and going into these, like—opening up Pandora’s box. That’s like jumping off an emotional cliff without a parachute. And it’s like, Ooh, that’s gonna be a hard landing, right? And they do, they come back, and they feel, they may feel exhausted. They may feel like “I just became a puddle, and I can’t stop crying. And I don’t want to my family to see that. I don’t want my kids to see this.” And so again, what happens? I’m gonna wrap it up in a box. Gonna put a bow and duct tape and whatever else around that box to not let things fall out and I’m gonna put it in the closet. I’m gonna put it up on that shelf. And that’s one more time, one more example, of we’re not completing a trauma response, we’re not completing that response. And it, and the therapy, the therapy itself, and our attempts to process have become a trauma. We have put ourselves back into a trauma place. So, I cannot stress how important it is to realize that there is this whole other piece to rewiring and releasing stored trauma, which is regulation. And that has to happen before we process. It’s interesting; for those people who come into my 21-day journey where we, we do exactly this, learn how to regulate ourselves—I’m very much into empowering moms and not having to rely on, on therapists for things that I feel like they can and, and should be able to do for themselves.

And that is one of the most common comments that I get in that first week is: “I had no idea that I could do so much, and experience so much internal transformation without going into my story.” Because, in my 21-day journey, we don’t go into story at all. Like that’s one of our five agreements, in fact. Like, we don’t go into the story. We don’t go into the past. We are just gonna work with our internal body sensations in the present moment, so that I can teach you how to regulate yourself. And we start with creating a felt sense of safety in their body. The whole first week is working around this overwhelm. And overwhelm needs safety to be able to come out of overwhelm. Then, when we are coming out of overwhelm and we’re coming into this stress response, the stress response needs something else. And I’ll go into that in a second, but that freeze response, that overwhelm, has to have safety. And then with time and energy, it comes out of the overwhelm. But without a felt sense of safety, we’re gonna, we’re gonna get stuck in that place of overwhelm. And that’s what I see happening though, is that people are processing to try to achieve that felt sense of safety. And it’s always elusive. They never quite reach that:  “I feel safe in my own body, by myself, in the quiet, in the silence. I feel safe with myself in my body.” And that’s because they’re trying they’re, they’re doing good things just in the wrong order. They’re trying to process before they actually have these regulation skills. One of which is, I need you, mom, to be able to provide a felt sense of safety for yourself. And then just as a side note, if you’re not able to do that for yourself, you’re actually not able to do that for your children.

Teri Miller: Oh, yeah.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: And we think, we think that we can fake it with our children. We think that, “oh, if I just put a smile on my face, if I just watch my tone of voice, they won’t know how insecure I feel, or they won’t know how upset I really feel.” That, I mean, that’s BS. So they are especially able to read nonverbal cues that we don’t even realize we are giving off. Because we’re so focused on trying to fake it. That we don’t realize that just the faking it is coming across. And, and so if we’re not able to provide and create a felt sense of safety for ourselves, we’re not able to pass that on to our children. So, the whole first week, we have to build our regulation skills around safety. The second week—and so the second step in this essential sequence—is creating a felt sense of support for yourself. And my goodness, almost any mom that I talk to, right? You ask her and we’re like, “hey, do you feel supported?” And she’s like, “what support? Was I supposed to have support? Just the fact that you asked me about support…Now I wanna cry cuz I don’t have support.” Right?

Teri Miller: Right. Yeah. We especially, I think, you know, even since COVID kind of changed—

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Especially since COVID.

Teri Miller: —isolation, and then social media puts such pressure on us that, “no, I’m—everyone else is, is doing great and succeeding. I’m all alone in my, my overwhelm misery.”

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Yes. And that all alone is a trigger for the trauma response, right? So, when a person is feeling all alone, they can know that they, in that moment, are in a trauma response state of their biology. That’s one of the ways that they can recognize that they have stored trauma. So, it’s so interesting Teri, because as we look at creating a felt sense of support in our bodies, we’re actually tapping into our own attachment issues. And this is, I, I don’t normally tell people this, because if I tell them that, “oh, like this, you know, these creative felt sense of support “is actually tapping into your attachment stuff.” They’re like, “oh, I don’t have any attachment issues.” I’m like, “I know. We’re just gonna…we’re just gonna…”

Teri Miller: that’s what you think!

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Exactly. I’m not gonna let that derail the conversation. Just do the work, just do the work.

Teri Miller: That’s working for you, okay!

Dr. Aimie Apigian: That’s that’s what I thought at the time, right? And so it there’s absolutely no judgment on me, like, or, or from me, it’s just one of those like, “yep. You and I are twin sisters. And that you also don’t think that you had any attachment issues.” And being able to provide a felt sense of someone having your back. Mmm, right? Like that’s actually what we would have had coming out of our childhood if we had a secure attachment. And so, if there are many times in our life where we don’t feel like anybody has our back? Ooh, like, that is actually one sign that we actually have an insecure attachment or what would’ve actually been attachment trauma. And those patterns got wired into our system. When we think of an, a parent holding their baby, right? Like, all of their hands—baby’s back is resting on their arms. Their hands are holding up their head so that they have this full contact on the whole backside of their body. That is how we actually start to have that felt sense of, “someone’s got my back.” And to the degree that I can lay here, totally held up above the ground. That if they dropped me, I would have some serious damage and I can perfectly relax into this relationship. And I can smile, and I can coo. And I can do all the stuff that babies do. Perfectly relaxed, being held up several feet above the ground, because someone has my back. And if moms had a felt sense that someone had their back, and if they had a felt sense of being safe, totally safe, completely safe, and that someone had your back, how would their life look different? What would they be doing differently in their life? If they had those felt senses? It’s huge. It’s huge. And so, this, this is where we start, like, this is regulation. Regulation is feeling safe in your body and feeling like someone has your back, that you have support. And I can teach people how to create those felt sensations for themselves, which is the, where people, especially , need to start with healing themselves and rewiring their trauma. I feel like I’ve thrown a lot at you. 

Dr. Amy Moore: No, it’s fantastic! So, um, let’s talk about what happens if we don’t go through this process? So, you talked about, yes, you can go to therapy, and you know, it’s like throwing darts at Jell-O, because if you don’t work on the regulation piece, then you can’t get through the processing piece. But let’s talk about people who aren’t doing anything. Talk about what that does to the body.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: So when we look at the body, we can ask the question: what has my body been through? Looking back over my life, what has my body lived through? And we start to, even with that, like, just get a little different perspective on, I don’t know, for some reason when, when we ask the question, what has my body lived through versus what have I lived through? It’s a different question. And we start to even have a, an appreciation for, “oh, my body has been through a lot. It’s been through a couple pregnancies maybe, or maybe a couple miscarriages.” Or it’s been through, uh, difficult relationships, or it’s like—the body—the body has been through, and lived through, a lot. And we can appreciate it, while at the same time, starting to understand, “oh, I haven’t provided it the support that it needs. No wonder it’s not starting to treat me well. No wonder—no wonder it doesn’t have much to give me. I used to be able to do this. I used to be able to run this amount. I used to be able to stay up late. I used to be able to, I used to be able to,” right? Like how many times do we hear that? And it’s like, well, why not? Why, why can’t you do that anymore? “Well, it’s just, I’m not, I’m not doing enough. I’m not exercising enough now. I’m not eating well enough.” Really? Like, okay, those may be playing a factor, but what about just looking at all of the life experiences that your body has lived through? And when we don’t do anything, Dr. Amy, we continue to accumulate more and more experiences that our body is having to live through without the right support. And it’s, it’s like taking money out of the bank account. At some point you’re gonna go into to the red, and there’s gonna be nothing left for your body to give you. And I see that a lot. In fact, I start to see that even after pregnancies. And so, this is a common time that I see moms’ bodies start to betray them. And they’re not understanding how much it takes from their body to give life to a whole new creature, right? And all of the, even the—just the nutritional deficiencies that can result from pregnancy, where until then you were managing okay, with maybe low levels of magnesium, low levels of zinc, low levels of B6. But when baby came along, and baby had to have those for its development, and it—it’s gonna take it from you, however it can get it from you. It’s going to take it from you. That’s the design of nature. And it’s gonna leave you with deficiencies. And of course you’re not gonna bounce back, and of course you’re gonna start having fatigue. And of course, you’re gonna start losing your hair maybe, or feeling anxious or some of these things, and they’re gonna escalate. And I, what I have seen is it’s almost like that snowball effect where at first, maybe the snowball is, is slow, is just starting out. But as it goes down that hill and it picks up speed and it gets bigger and bigger and faster and faster, all of a sudden you’re feeling like you’re on a runaway train with your health and your body and your mental health, and you can’t seem to stop it. And that is the end result of what happens in our bodies if we don’t address these things that are truly driving our health and are at, at the true root of most symptoms and conditions that we experience. It’s our nervous system.

Dr. Amy Moore: So let’s rephrase that or phrase that again or say that again, just to clarify. Are you saying that the chronic health conditions that we are feeling are the direct result of unresolved trauma?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: I am saying that. And the reason why I say that is not only from the studies that we have around the adverse childhood experiences, which show the chronic diseases that show up, that often show up in adults. I will say, Dr. Amy, it’s been very, I wanna use the word scary, uh, to see how many of these chronic conditions are starting to show up in people younger and younger. They’re starting to show up in adolescents. So, there are societal changes that are happening, that are creating greater amounts of trauma in our body at younger and younger ages. So that needs to be addressed, but that’s also a different conversation. And at the root of everything, like, our nervous system drives our health. It drives everything about our health. And so, when we are in either a stress response or the overwhelm state—and most people, again, are in one of those all throughout the day. They’re either stressed or they’re overwhelmed—like, they just go back and forth between those two states and they’re exhausted. Exhausted and wired, exhausted, wired, right? They are accumulating oxidative stress at high rates. That oxidative stress is actually the reason for epigenetic triggers for chronic conditions. Even things like bipolar, even things like cancer, even things like PTSD. So, so many of these chronic conditions are being triggered by the result, by the downstream results, that happen in our biology, what I call the biology of trauma. But even before that oxidative stress may build up to that degree. Just the fact that your nervous system is stressed, chronically stressed, or chronically in overwhelm, or the combination of both of them, that is driving your symptoms and your diseases. Even if a person has a condition that is entirely 100% genetic, their nervous system will still be contributing and making their symptoms worse than what would normally happen if they were healthy, and in that parasympathetic, grounded, “I’m okay. I feel safe. I feel supported. All is well, even though there’s stress that happens in life. I know, I know that I know that I’m gonna be okay.” That produces a very different downstream effect on our health than the stress and overwhelm.

Dr. Amy Moore. Wow.

Teri Miller: Wow. Yeah. We both said, wow.

Dr. Amy Moore. We could just sit here and say wow a few more times.

Teri Miller: I know. Cause it’s I think, I think that we’re all saying we’re there. We’re feeling this. Yeah. Ugh.

Dr. Amy Moore: Yeah. And I think that if—well, let me ask you, Dr. Aimie—if you are saying to yourself right now, “well, I feel like I process through trauma just fine every time. So, am I in denial by thinking that?”

Teri Miller: She nodded.

Dr. Amy Moore: “And if I am, convince me otherwise.” 

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Yeah. And I, thankfully I don’t have to be the one to convince you. Because we’re just gonna let your body speak for itself, right? And so, people do come and ask me that, Dr. Amy. Like, they, come and ask me. And they’re like, “I think that I process that. How do I know?” Your body knows? So let’s ask your body. “How would your body tell us?” is really the question that we’re asking then, and there’s two ways that your body can tell us. One would be your physical health. So, if you have active health conditions, ahhhh! Like, that’s your body telling us that something is still going on. And either there’s other stuff that we haven’t processed yet, or the stuff that you did process,  wasn’t actually down to the cellular level, like what we need it to be. So, people will come and they’re like, “well, I feel like I processed everything, but I have, you know, I have lupus or I have this autoimmune, or I have hypothyroidism, or I’m overweight, or whatever it is.” And the physiology like the biology, that physiology is one of dysregulation. And, and so you can’t separate a biology of dysregulation and trauma patterns because it’s all the same, it’s all the same. And so, when we still have active health issues, it’s a sign that there are still some things that are unresolved, down to the level that need to be resolved, or that could be resolved I should say. Could be resolved. the other way that we can have your body speak to us is in coping mechanisms. So, when you are in situations, whether this would be a situation with yourself, when you’re all alone, when you’re feeling lonely, do you, do you feel lonely? Or maybe it’s when you’re in relationship with someone else and there’s this conflict, there’s a confrontation or there’s, you know, something. Do you ever reach for coping mechanisms? Do you ever reach for something to help you manage an emotional response? “Ooh, I didn’t like that feeling.” And whether that feeling is anger—there’s a lot of people, a lot of people, who that is part of their trauma is, “it’s not safe for me to feel angry.” And so, they will do things to not feel angry. But then there’s also the other aspects of it that they will, they will do things to not feel shame. They will do things to not feel lonely. They will do things to not feel rejected. And if we’re still reaching for any coping mechanisms to not have us feel, then that’s also our body telling us that, “Ooh, this, this is too big for us to manage still,” which means that there’s stored trauma there.

Dr. Amy Moore: Yeah. And for our listeners, can you just give some examples of what those things that we might reach for are?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: oh, that’s a long list. I mean, let me just read you my list that I used to use, right? I used to over-exercise. So, exercise was something that I reached for immediately when I did not want to feel angry, cuz I could go pound it out on my bike. I could go get it all out. And then when I would come back, I would be so exhausted that I didn’t have the energy to be angry anymore. Ooh, right? So, over-exercising, overworking, do you keep yourself so busy, so that you never have that moment of stillness, because what comes up in the stillness is so uncomfortable for you? Do you use caffeine? Do you use wine? Do you use food? Do you use relationships? Do you—busyness? Do you, I mean, it’s a long list of anything that we can use to not feel certain things.

Teri Miller: sleeping, binge watching—

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Sleeping. Exactly. And some of these things, some of these things can look healthy, right? Like, “oh, wow. Look, Amy’s out riding in her bike and she’s doing a hundred miles this week!” Like to everybody else that looks like, “oh, she’s she’s at the top of her game. She’s feeling good. She’s healthy.” Whereas internally I’m like, “I’m pounding out these mouths cuz I, I don’t wanna feel something.” Right? So, we can’t look at just the behavior itself. We need to look at: what’s the reason behind the behavior? And oftentimes we don’t even understand the reason behind our behaviors. And if we don’t understand the reason behind our behaviors, that’s a sign that it’s a trauma response. That’s driving that behavior. That it is so subconscious that we’re not even aware of the true motivation of that.

Dr. Amy Moore: So if you can identify, “hey, this behavior, I’m choosing this as a form of self-care.” Right? Like, it’s intentional, you’re saying, “this makes me feel good. And so I’m going to do this.”

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Yeah. So here’s the difference, Dr. Amy. And I love this, because people can be like, “well, I’m going into the spa today for self-care.” I’m like, “maybe. Maybe…” right?

Dr. Amy Moore: I go to the Starbucks drive through for self-care.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Yeah. Okay. Okay. So here’s the difference. If it’s, self-care, you’re going to feel open while you’re doing it. You’re gonna feel this openness. You’re gonna feel this expansion. And if something happens along the way, that you show up to Starbucks and it’s closed that day, Dr. Amy, you’re not gonna lose your—mmm—cause it’s closed. If you arrive and you go into this tirade or you shut down because they’re closed and you can’t get your self-care, oh then maybe that actually wasn’t about self-care. So when we are using something to not feel, when we’re not able to do that, we feel like we’re gonna lose control.

Dr. Amy Moore: Okay.

Teri Miller: That’s insightful.

Dr. Amy Moore: That’s a good distinction. Absolutely. Because I can just go to a different drive through if that one’s closed.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Right. And you can stay flexible, right? Like for someone, for someone who’s using it as a, “no, like, I need this right now. Because I’m gonna fall apart if I don’t get this right now.” If they arrive to Starbucks and it’s closed, like they’re not gonna have that flexibility of, “oh, it’s it’s okay. There’s a Starbucks just over there. It’s gonna take five extra minutes of my day, but that’s okay.” For someone who’s like, “no, I needed that right now. Like right, right now. I needed that right now. I don’t have five extra minutes. I’m gonna fall apart.”

Teri Miller: Yeah. I think I can. I recognize in myself, um, that I do that with relationships. That I, I have this, you know, this trauma of, I guess, not being loved. You know, not being enough. Fear of being alone, that kind of thing. And so then it’s when I’m hurting, it’s, “I need to call someone,” you know. “I need to talk to someone, I need to be with a friend,” and there are times, you know, I work on it. I work on it, you know. But like, “okay, no, no, I’m gonna pray. I’m gonna have—I’m gonna go feel it.” But so often I absolutely recognize that, that I’ll call a friend and leave a message. And then, and I start, my heart starts racing more. And then I call another friend and my heart starts racing more. And then I think about who can I go sit with? And like, I’m so desperate to get that fix of, “I matter, someone loves me. It’s okay.” That is not healthy. That is not me being a friend, that is me desperately trying to get fixed from bad feelings, right?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: I mean, to put it in a positive spin, right? Like that, that is your system trying to find a way for you to regulate, to be okay. And until you have other skills to regulate, it’s going to continue to go back to what it knows, that helps. And that’s true for everything. Until we have different tools, we’re gonna continue to use the tools that we have. And my goal is to help people give tools, to help them live from their “healing self,” rather than to use the same tools that their “trauma self” is very well familiar with using.

Teri Miller: oh man, I need this!

Dr. Amy Moore: right. Well, we need to take a break. Uh, let Teri read a word from our sponsor. And when we come back, Dr. Aimie, we want you to tell our listeners and us how we can get these tools from you.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Awesome. Okay.

Dr. Amy Moore: When we come back.

Teri Miller (Reading sponsor ad from LearningRx):

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Dr. Amy Moore: And we’re back talking to Dr. Aimie Apigian about trauma and its effects on the body, and how unresolved trauma, or unprocessed trauma, can continue to just haunt us, right? So, Dr. Amy, share with us how our listeners can get the tools that you’ve been telling us about that we need in order to work through trauma.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Yeah. And the first thing that I would love for them to do is to just take a little assessment, maybe a little quiz that I have a quiz in my roadmap, for example, that they could use that and really be able to see: do you have trauma patterns? Do you feel safe? Like, get a baseline, get a baseline, and please don’t go into a judgment place, right? Like, go into a curiosity place of, “wow. Isn’t that interesting? I actually am not feeling safe in my body. I don’t remember the last time. Isn’t that interesting?” Please go to a curiosity place because otherwise, right? We go back into that trauma place, but when we’re able to stay curious, then that allows us to start the work. And the work, for me, starts with that regulation that I spoke of. We need to be able to have tools for regulation, and build our capacity for regulation, so that we can then build our capacity for processing. Because that regulation, and then that processing get to happen side by side and together. And so, the first place really then is to connect with our body in a safe way. Right? We don’t wanna connect with our body in a way that would be too much too fast, because again, even good things can be retraumatizing. And so, the purpose of connecting with our body is to be able to start to strengthen that connection between our mind and what we think, and our internal processings for our body. So not just like, “oh, what does my body feel?” But like, actually, “what is happening inside my body?” Teri mentioned it earlier, where she was aware of her heart rate, starting to speed up as she was not able to find someone that she can talk to when she was feeling alone, or not loved. That that is awesome. And we want to be able to start to make those connections, and that awareness of our heart rate, of our breath, even when we’re not in that moment of, “I need something right now because I’m feeling like I’m losing control.” And so even just as people are, sitting around, even with their kids, with their family, being able to just do a quick check in with your breath. I don’t want you to change your breath, please don’t go do breathwork. That is almost—that is a form of processing trauma that you’re not ready for yet. We’ve got to build regulation in, but I would want you to just notice your breath. How shallow is it, just breathing normally? How deep does your breath go? Does your breath even seem to go into your chest? From some people who take the 21 day journey they come in and their breath only goes down into their throat. For some people it’s, “well, it feels like it goes a little bit into my chest.” Our breath is naturally designed to actually go all the way down into our pelvis. That would be the natural breath when we have truly processed all of our life’s traumas. Hmm. And so again, don’t go make your breath deeper because you will tap into those traumas before you’re ready to. But I want you to just be aware of, is my breath even telling me that I’ve got some work to do, because then that’s where we start the work. We start with teaching, creating that felt sense of safety for ourselves, creating that felt sense of support after we’ve had safety, and then we can move into expansion and growth and joy. But we actually can’t experience more joy, and more expansion, more awareness, more presence until we have laid this foundation of, “I have tools that in any moment, within two minutes, I can create a felt sense of safety in my body for myself, and a felt sense of support.” So as, as cheesy as it might sound, because people may have been getting this message from other places, awareness of just: where is your baseline? But it’s a different kind of awareness. It’s a different kind of awareness. And it’s something that I wouldn’t want them to start trying to change, because again, it’s, we need to change it in such a way that keeps it manageable. And that’s where I’m happy to guide people through this journey, into their nervous system. I do that in my 21-day journey. If they feel that they have other guides, that would be the safer thing to do, rather than trying to go into their body and into their nervous system specifically, without knowing what to do and how far to go in order to keep things safe.

Dr. Amy Moore: So is your 21-day journey? Is it a group program or a one-on-one program? Is it live? Is it…

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Yeah, good question. So, it is a live group program, which is another reason why we do not go into stories at all, because we keep it a very safe space for everybody. And so, there is a component of it where every day, they have a recording from me where I lead them through what’s called a somatic exercise, a body-based exercise, that teaches them a new tool to use for regulation. So that by the end of the 21 days, they have 21 different exercises. Many of them write it down on post-it notes or, you know, the ring binders. So that in the moment they’re like, “okay, I need, I need an exercise.” Right? “I don’t wanna reach for food. I don’t wanna, I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve got these new tools.” And they have them very handy so that they’re doing that instead of these other things. And it’s just been amazing to see the transformations that happen at 21 days when they have these new tools. And so they have an exercise that they do on their own time. Uh, whenever they want to fit that in, in their day, it’s about 10 minutes long. And then we meet every day as a group and do the same exercise as a group.

Teri MIller: Wow.

Dr. Aimie Apigian: And that way you can see everybody else who’s on their journey as well. Cuz even though this is a group program, each person is on their own journey. They do just also get to, you know, hike in a group so that they’re not all alone and they can hear what other people’s experiences are and actually learn from other people’s experiences, not just what they’re experiencing in their body.

Dr. Amy Moore: And so then, how long would those daily meetings be with you?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: The daily group meetings, they should plan out about 30 to 35 minutes for those. And this is where a lot of people are surprised. They’re like, “I thought we were gonna sit here and like, you know, tell our stories and process this out for hours and cry.” And I’m like, “nope. Nope. That’s actually not helpful.” And we have been taught that that’s kind of how we’re supposed to do things and that’s been what has kept us stuck. And so, this truly is a way that honors how the trauma got wired into our body and into our nervous system, and what I call the essential sequence for just walking ourselves out.

Teri Miller: Okay. And you’ve got a free resource for our listeners to, you know, to tap into like just a first step. You mentioned like a little screener. Tell us where do they find that e-guide?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Yeah. I’ve written a 23-page eBook on steps to identify and heal trauma. So, it covers some aspects of what we went over today; has some more details; has a quiz in there for people to see if they can identify that they have some trauma patterns, and then more context around where do you start? What do you do? Why would creating a felt sense of safety be the first thing that I need to do? Why do I need to create that felt sense of support? It helps give them that context and understanding of that.

Dr. Amy Moore: So Dr. Aimie, is there anything you haven’t gotten to say?

Dr. Aimie Apigian: a lot! How much time do you have?

Dr. Amy Moore: (laughing) how would you like to wrap up?

Teri Miller: Yeah, cause we’re so over time we need to have, we need to do this in a two, or three-part…

Dr. Aimie Apigian: Yeah. I would just like to come back to hope. There is so much hope and that’s what I see. So, when I see somebody, when they come into my program and I see where they are right now, what I actually start to see is where they could be, and what they would be doing in their life, if they felt safe and had that felt sense that someone had their back. And I start to see the potential that they have, and put the intention for them becoming that, and living into that. And then being able to watch that happen over time is, for me, the most meaningful thing ever. It makes all of the years of hard work and mistakes and doing everything wrong for me and Miguel worth it to see the change that other people can experience now, in such a short amount of time, that they are even surprised. And so, no matter where a person is on their journey, how much work they have done, how much work they haven’t done, wherever it is. Start with these regulation skills and the change is gonna be profound and it’s gonna stick, which is probably for me, one of the most important things. Is that this is gonna be lasting change, cuz we really are changing the wiring in your tissues, in your nervous system, that are driving your behaviors, your life, your health, everything, and that transformation is possible.

Dr. Amy Moore: Well, this has been an amazing conversation, with Dr. Aimie Apigian today. Thank you so much for taking an hour out of your busy schedule to share this with our listeners and with us, um, listeners, if you would like more information about Dr. Aimie’s work, her website is traumahealingaccelerated.com. You can find her on Facebook and Instagram @DrAimie. And that is D-R-A-I-M-I-E. We’ll put those links and all of her handles in the show notes for you. Thank you so much for listening today. If you liked our show, we would love it if you would give us a five star rating and review on whatever platform you have found our show. If you would rather watch us, you can see our faces on YouTube, and please follow us on social media. We’re on every social media channel @thebrainymoms. So, look, until next time we know that you’re busy moms and we’re busy moms. So we’re out.

Teri Miller: See ya!

Is Not Getting Enough Sleep Really That Bad For Us? with guest Dr. Jennifer Reid

About this Episode

What’s the big deal if we don’t get enough sleep? On this episode of Brainy Moms, Dr. Amy and Sandy asked psychiatrist and insomnia expert, Dr. Jennifer Reid that question and she shared several ways that sleep deprivation impacts both our physical and mental health. We talk about the basics of sleep, the difference between sleep deprivation and insomnia, and the impact of sleep on weight, metabolism, immune system function, focus and attention, and overall health. It’s kind of a big deal that we get enough sleep! Join us to learn some serious sleep science from a serious sleep doctor.

About Dr. Reid

Jennifer Reid, MD is a psychiatrist and award-winning educator with a practice in Philadelphia. She writes and podcasts as The Reflective Doc, sharing practical mental health information to those who may not have access to adequate care and support. She trained at Columbia University and UCLA, and is on the clinical faculty at the University of Pennsylvania. She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today, writing the blog called “Think Like a Shrink” where she covers a variety of mental health topics.

Connect with Dr. Reid

Website: TheReflectiveDoc.com
Instagram: @thereflectivedoc
Twitter: @docreflective
Podcast: The Reflective Doc Podcast

Mentioned in this Episode

Link to Dr. Reid’s Podcast, The Reflective Doc, on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-reflective-doc-podcast/id1561999981

Information about 988, the new Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/current-events/the-lifeline-and-988/

Our sponsor:
LearningRx is a worldwide network of brain training centers offering cognitive, reading, and math remediation and enhancement for all ages. LearningRx has worked with more than 106,000 clients who have learning struggles and disabilities, ADHD, traumatic brain injury, autism, and age-related cognitive decline. Visit www.LearningRx.com or call 1-866-BRAIN-01 to learn more.

Listen or Subscribe to our Podcast

Watch us on YouTube

Read the transcript for this episode:

coming soon…

What Parents Need to Know about Speech and Language Development with guest Sarah Billingham

About this Episode

Did you know that as parents, we are the best partner to support early language skills in our children? On this episode of Brainy Moms, Dr. Amy and Teri interview speech and language specialist teacher, Sarah Billingham of Confident Kids. Sarah shares how parents are the most “tuned in” to the speech and language skills of young children and how we are uniquely suited to help them develop those skills. She shares specific tips for communicating in ways that optimize their speech and language development, which milestones to be aware of, what red flags to look for, and some fantastic resources to help.

About Sarah

Sarah Billingham is a speech and language specialist teacher in Berkshire, UK who runs Confident Kids, a unique Early Years service where she uses her 16+ years of experience to equip parents and caregivers with expert knowledge and practical tools they need to offer their children the very best support they can.

Connect with Sarah

Website: https://www.confidentkids.co/
Social Media: @confidentkids.co

Mentioned in this Episode

Link to download Sarah’s Easing your Child’s Communication Frustration

Dr. Marion Blank’s Levels of Questioning

Join Sarah’s Confident Communicators Facebook Group: Confident Communicators | Facebook

Our sponsor:
LearningRx is a worldwide network of brain training centers offering cognitive, reading, and math remediation and enhancement for all ages. LearningRx has worked with more than 106,000 clients who have learning struggles and disabilities, ADHD, traumatic brain injury, autism, and age-related cognitive decline. Visit www.LearningRx.com or call 1-866-BRAIN-01 to learn more.

Listen or Subscribe to our Podcast

Watch us on YouTube

Read the transcript for this episode:

coming soon…

Help Your Child Survive the Stressors of Middle School with guest Jessica Speer

About this Episode

Middle School is a time filled with big changes and big stressors for many adolescents. On this episode of Brainy Moms, Dr. Amy and Teri interview Jessica Speer, social scientist and author of the new book, Middle School: Safety Goggles Advised. Jessica shares what she discovered from interviewing middle schoolers about what they defined as their top stressors. The big ones? Social media, judgement by peers, friendships, crushes, gossips, and popularity. Jessica talks about many of the struggles identified by kids in middle school and gives parents some tips and advice on how to help our kids navigate these challenges.

About Jessica

Jessica is the award-winning author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships and Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised. Her interactive books engage and entertain readers by combining the stories of preteens and teens with fun activities, like quizzes and fill-in-the-blanks. Blending humor, a dash of science, and practical insights, her writing unpacks the tricky stuff that peaks during adolescence. She has a master’s degree in social sciences and explores social-emotional topics in ways that connect with kids.

Connect with Jessica

Website: www.jessicaspeer.com
Instagram: @jessica_speer_author
Twitter: @SpeerAuthor
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jessica-speer-46b6457/

Mentioned in this Episode

Link to buy Jessica’s new book, Middle School: Safety Goggles Advised

Link to buy Jessica’s award-winning book, BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends): A Girl’s Guide to Happy Friendships

Our sponsor:
LearningRx is a worldwide network of brain training centers offering cognitive, reading, and math remediation and enhancement for all ages. LearningRx has worked with more than 106,000 clients who have learning struggles and disabilities, ADHD, traumatic brain injury, autism, and age-related cognitive decline. Visit www.LearningRx.com or call 1-866-BRAIN-01 to learn more.

Listen or Subscribe to our Podcast

Watch us on YouTube

Read the transcript for this episode:

coming soon…

Get Your Toddler Talking with guest Jill Urbane

About this Episode

Communication and language in early childhood is intricately connected to behavior and social-emotional development. Every temper tantrum is an attempt to communicate an unmet need. How do we help young children develop effective communication skills? On this episode of Brainy Moms, Dr. Amy and Sandy interview the Mentor Mom, Jill Urbane.

Jill is an early childhood interventionist and social worker who specializes in the connection between speech development, emotions, social skills, and behavior. She shares the importance of recognizing our own temperament and communication style and its impact on our child’s behavior. She talks about big emotions in little children and how emotions impact communication. Jill walks us through the development of foundational language skills, what to look for, and what to do if we see red flags. We even spend time talking about the benefits of infant/toddler sign language in the development of language skills. Tune in for some fantastic facts and tips in helping your toddler communicate effectively.

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How to Quiet Your Inner Mean Girl with guest Onnie Michalsky, M.A.

About this Episode

Hey Moms! Are you ready to silence that inner “mean girl” who says you’re not enough? Are you exhausted from doing all the things and ready to shed your Supermom cape? On this episode of Brainy Moms, Dr. Amy and Sandy interview licensed therapist and host of Moms without Capes, Onnie Michalsky, about how to quiet our inner mean girls and take off our supermom capes. Onnie shares tips on identifying our own needs and emotions, setting boundaries, banishing guilt over self-care, and more.

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Managing Anxiety about School Shootings & Other Traumatic Experiences with guest Stacie Boyar, LMHC, MS Ed

About this Episode

With so many scary things happening in the world today, it’s easy to understand why kids are struggling with anxiety. On this episode, Dr. Amy and Teri interview licensed mental health counselor, Stacie Boyar, LMHC, MS Ed, who shares tips and specific strategies for managing anxiety. She’s uniquely qualified to give advice on this topic as a therapist in Parkland, FL who worked with teens from the Stoneman Douglas high school shooting.

We talk about effective therapies for anxiety like CBT and EMDR and also learn at-home breathing and grounding techniques that we AND our kids can use whenever we’re feeling stressed or anxious about anything at all. Join us for this fantastic conversation with the author of You’re Not the Boss of Me, a book for teens on conquering anxiety.

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A Radical Parenting Partnership with Your Teen - with author Lainie Liberti

About this Episode

On this episode of Brainy Moms, Dr. Amy and Teri interview Lainie Liberti, teen mentor and author of the book, Seen, Heard, and Understood: Parenting and Partnering with Teens for Greater Mental Health. Lainie shares a radical approach to relating to teens through a partnership parenting paradigm. Although unconventional, it’s an approach that promotes connection and cooperation with your teen. Based on ideas from her book, Lainie explains the benefits of knowing your teen’s love language, creating shared family values, and partnering in problem solving as a family. Join us for this conversation about a truly unique approach to raising teens.

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